Keep the Faith

HEALTH UPDATE: Holding steady! Feeling good! Completed CT scan yesterday. I received very limited information about the results. No new concerns and continued decrease in size of the tumor monster. My life is too good to be true. Thank you prayer warriors and well wishers!

Ramblings…

I received a call yesterday from the coordinator of the study that I am participating in. She told me just those few things I mentioned above in the health update, based on the short answer in the report. The details will come tomorrow when I meet with my oncologist. I’ve been anxious about this scan so I’m very pleased to hear it looks good but I really need to know details. I want to see the actual scan and read the actual report.

I have many questions for my oncologist. I’ve had a lot bottled up inside. Now that I’m feeling good I’d like to have a drink. A margarita to be exact. Now I’m not going to go all crazy. I just want a nice cool drink in the driveway that isn’t water. Or hot coffee. I hope that is acceptable to the team. My other questions are related to health and mostly some of my interpretations of the reports. What does it all mean? What does she think? I think I know her answers and except for terminology, there will be many “I don’t know” answers. To no fault of her own, this is a new drug. She’s told me before that she’s never seen such a huge and strange tumor. We are shooting in the dark. That’s okay. I’m still curious. She must have some ideas based on what she’s seen so far.

I have another question that I must ask. Has my prognosis changed? I’ll be honest. I had a hard time even ejecting that question from by brain to the keyboard. Do I really want to know? Should I just live day by day? The first time I met her, she told me the tumor is inoperable. We could administer chemo to prolong my life. There was little hope chemo would shrink a tumor of this size. There was too much involvement with arteries and veins. It was dire. I asked the dreaded, how long? She suspected I would have months, not years to live. Well folks. I’ve already burned through 6 months of my “months” since diagnosis. I’ve never felt better. I’ve been slacking off of completing my to do list before I “you know what” (um, why can’t I write the word?)…. Do I need to hurry up? Can I take my time a bit? I’m so incredibly ridiculous. I know.

I won’t find out “how long” tomorrow but I’ll feel better knowing I asked. No matter what the answer I’m still going to do what I’m doing. I’m going to continue to fight, fight, fight and I’m going to enjoy each day the best I can. I’m going to focus more on my faith and the love that I’m so blessed to have in my life. There is no way I can lose! Winner winner, chicken dinner!

Big hugs!!

Cathy

HEALTH UPDATE: Waiting for my scan and next treatment which will occur next week. Although I’m feeling pretty darn amazing compared to several weeks ago, I am experiencing some minor issues that are tolerable.

Ramblings….

I can’t sleep! It is midnight. This is almost as rare than the hideous cancer that is trying to kill me. I’ve been flying so high for weeks. I’ve felt nearly perfect both physically and mentally without a care in the world at times. It has been easy to forget what is happening inside of me. It only takes a few different pains and feelings. Next thing you know I’m feeling awake. Worried. Uncertain.

Let me break it down. My self diagnosis of being a hypochondriac is not kind at the moment. I’m regressing to my old ways and worst case thoughts are taking over. Not to be boring, but I will share my symptoms and what my mind suggests is the issue. I feel crazy and these feelings must come out. Leg pain. Why is it that when I stand up it hurts so bad? My thighs are aching. I’m completely fine walking once I get up. I can lay down and sit just fine. Bone cancer? Probably. I have a cough. I go almost all day without a cough. I cough at night. I drink water and it is fine. Stuffy head and sinuses accompany this cough. I have a new feeling I’ve never had before on the left side of my nose. Is that where my sinuses are? It’s not a pain. It’s just a feeling. Probably a blood clot? I have clots in my vessels by the tumor monster. Maybe they broke lose and are in my head. Back to the cough. It’s only been a few days. I have no other covid symptoms. Could it be covid? Throat cancer? Oh, it must be lung cancer! Weight gain! 17 pounds in 3-4 weeks. I have lost a total of 75 pounds since January 2019. What a cool slim down. Except for the cancer part that caused it. Why did I gain back so quickly upon feeling better…what does it mean? Is everything working better now? Am I finally processing the nutrients properly that I’ve been missing for so long? Perhaps it is my eating habits. I must confess…I’m obsessed with oreos. Double Stuf (why can’t they spell it correctly?). They seem to be kind of a joke as far as the stuf. I remember years back when the double stuf came out it was huge. Look at all that “stuf” in the middle! Now you have to get the triple stuf or whatever it’s called. I’m not going there. Too dangerous. I’m guessing it’s like what the double stuf used to be. So what are the regular oreos? Barely any stuf? Well life is too short to find out. I eat three of the double stuf every morning with my coffee before anyone wakes. I eat a few more throughout the day. There. I said it. My mind wanders again. Perhaps tumor monster is growing bigger and bigger. Maybe collectively I have 17 lbs of tumors all over? My mind is filled with the worst. I try to shut it off. I know that anything is possible, even good news.

It’s 12:33 am. There are no answers. There likely won’t be any answers until after my scan next week. I have often wondered what it would be like having cancer. I wondered if people who beat cancer let the possibility of recurrence fill their minds. Did they flinch with every pain and new feeling? I’m sure everyone is different and for people like me…each day brings new feelings. Happy and confident one minute, sad and angry the next. Live like there is no tomorrow is great but I’m finding that it isn’t realistic every day.

Have you ever been so happy that it made you sad and angry? I had a moment today. I was in the driveway, enjoying the most perfect day. I’ve been waiting for leaves to sprout from our city tree out front. I noticed tonight they are almost there. I thought to myself, I cannot wait for fall. These brand new greener than green leaves are going to turn to a brilliant yellow. There will be so many leaves! The tree is getting so huge! Then the happy stopped. Will I even be here this fall? My heart sank. I had forgotten for a while.

I’m right on cue. Feeling perfect and the world is perfect. Have a few symptoms and all hell breaks loose. Next thing you know I’m up at 12:48 am typing up a storm. I want to turn it around and put a positive spin on this but right now I’m also angry.

It’s the next day now. Moments after typing the above paragraph I heard tiny footsteps. Willow is awake. It’s after 1:00 am! What are you doing Mommy? Come to bed. Of course, sweetheart. My anger is wavering as she leads me upstairs. I just look at her and my heart is mush. A reminder that every single day is a gift. Don’t be angry. She needs a happy Mom. She is the reason to be happy and a reason to fake it when I’m not. I fell asleep. The challenge of falling asleep was over. We slept until 7:30 a.m. this morning!

It’s another beautiful day. I put on my big girl pants and I’m ready to face whatever happens. Not like I have a choice, but at least I’m feeling better. Physically and mentally. Thanks for the sweet dreams, Willow! I love you!

HEALTH UPDATE: Holding steady! I’m in between treatments which are every third week. My next CT scan is June 1st. My next treatment is June 3rd. At this point, no news is good news. I’ve got some aches in my legs, sweats, and a dull pain in my side. Of course I assume the worst with that one. It comes and goes. I noticed the pain after I was playing with Willow and chalk drawing on the driveway. Pulled muscle, I’m sure…or cancer has spread everywhere. You know, typical worries. LOL. #cancerlife

Ramblings…

How is everyone doing? I often wonder how everyone is coping with the world circumstances these days. Our household is on a pretty strict lock down. We do grocery curb side pick up, wash our groceries, let our mail air out in the garage and wear masks around others, except when outside in our driveway. Tom does all the pick ups, gets the gas in the cars and the hands on stuff. The only places I’ve been to is the hospital and another clinic. Last week we ventured out to the eye doctor! Willow told me she needed to go. She said things far away were blurry. She is getting glasses next week and I can’t wait to see her face when she is able to see the beautiful world outside in detail.

We go to great lengths to stay healthy and away from the virus. Are we over doing it? Let’s be frank. Nobody knows how long we will live on earth. I have a bigger hint than most. Am I wasting my chance to make great memories on a fun trip? Are we prisoners to COVID-19? The climate of severity is changing. It was all out defcon 5 when it first was becoming known of what this virus was capable of. Then there was New York. Devastation beyond measure in New York and across the world. Now, in a few days, the shutters are opening. Slowly, the people will come out. Businesses will pray to rebuild what once was. I pray for them. That’s all I can do. I can’t go out quite yet. I just don’t feel that I can take that chance.

Everyone has their own comfort level. Mine is strict. I don’t often take chances on matters such as this. Perhaps it is because of the battle I’ve been fighting since December. All that work and money on drugs only to catch a virus and die? No way, man. Or perhaps it is the incredible parallel of living with food allergies. My sweet girl is allergic to nuts among other things but the nuts are the potentially life threatening allergy. People who know me know that I’m pretty crazy about protecting my girl. We go to extremes. We only go to three restaurants that we’ve vetted to be as safe as possible, although when you put cooking in someone else’s hands, any restaurant is a risk. Any food is a risk! It’s Russian roulette with food 24/7! I’ve been washing bananas in the peel for years. What if someone sets them in the open nut box at the grocery store? Reading labels is easy but it’s the calling product companies to see if they produce their products in a nut free facility that is time consuming. We have our safe list of brands we purchase that are deemed safe but then again, are they? Manufacturing locations and practices can change. Our safe spaghetti sauce (RAO’s) added cashew pesto to their lineup! My facebook nut group went wild with worry. Whew, the marinara is still in a nut free facility but we have to make sure “RAO” is in the printed best buy portion of the packaging. We make it work. There is nothing I cannot duplicate with safe ingredients so that Willow will feel included, whether it is a family holiday or school food project. Bottom line, if there is a risk to my daughter and it’s a risk I can avoid, I’m going to do everything I can to avoid it!

Food allergies and the virus are both potentially life threatening, although the “odds” are low. What does low mean? To me, a chance is a chance. This is why I’m so hesitant to leave our home and venture out. Lately though, I find myself wondering…is this how life is meant to be lived? Held hostage by a virus that has yet to be fully understood? I’m bored with the conflicting information. It can be spread on surfaces, no it can’t be spread on surfaces. Once you have it, you are immune to it. No…not sure about that. Reports of the details coming from every which way and hard to comprehend and trust. How do we make any educated decisions? For now, we will ride this out but my wheels are turning. I”m thinking of somewhere in the middle. Take a trip in our car. No large crowds. We really need to make our own food anyways so restaurants aren’t an issue. Maybe a cabin in the woods? Fishing, rent a boat, camp fire. Heck…maybe a tent in the back yard. I want my family to be safe. I want to live to tell about it. Is that too much to ask? I shiver at the answer.

Besides all the deep thoughts I’ve already mentioned, my mind is occupied with all of life’s little delights. Rising early in the morning and enjoying the sunrise, my beloved coffee, the company of my family, connecting with family and friends via text, zoom or face time and enough energy to live a productive life! I am still enjoying laundry. Yesterday I cleaned the house and even shook out the rugs. A real cleaning. It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to do that. Sounds funny but I liked it. We are grilling out a lot at our driveway parties. Even though it’s just a party of 3, it feels like many more with all of our neighbors walking by with their dogs and of course Lisa and Walter next door. We dance to the speaker on the lot line. Willow will challenge the kids that walk by to a race. The kid stays on the sidewalk and Willow runs (at least 6 feet from the sidewalk, lol) into the yard across two neighbors lots. She also races with Callie, her bff neighbor dog. Although Callie and Willow also practice safe distancing, their love for one another can’t be denied. It’s so sweet!

Besides the touch of my friends and loved ones, I have everything I need right here at home. Memories are being made. Right here at home. I think I just answered my own questions.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. I’m forever grateful!! Be safe everyone!

Love and best wishes,

Cathy

HEALTH UPDATE: Doing well! I won’t complain. 🙂

Rambling photos….my adventure in pictures:

I’ve never taken so many selfies before. I think it’s a little weird but then again, it’s putting a face to my story. Some photos are so hard to look at (like the last one, lol). Some are wonderful. This is my story….so far. I know there will be more challenges ahead but soaking in the good times and so much love is energizing me for the future. I will never give up!!

xoxo❣️

HEALTH UPDATE: Thank you well wishers and prayer warriors!! I’m feeling sooooooooooooooooo GOOD! My energy is so much better. Fevers are a distant memory. I have self diagnosed myself with a thyroid issue. Why do I google? LOL! My oncologist mentioned they would be monitoring my thyroid carefully as this medication can have an impact. So far my blood levels are normal as of two weeks ago but I have a few tolerable symptoms that match thyroid issues. I’ll find out more next week when I go in for my next treatment. I do not have a scan on the schedule. It’s like waiting for a good movie release. You can’t wait to see it. When it comes, you hope it will be a good one but then again it might be horrible. So you wait…..and that is okay.

Ramblings….

Wow. Do I feel good? Yes, most certainly, I do!! So much so that I find myself with yet more unknown feelings that I’ve never experienced before. I’m sure you have all had a bad dream before. You wake up and the dream feels so real. You are breathing hard and likely upset, heart pounding. Soon, you realize it was just a dream. You sit up, touch your surroundings to make sure what reality is and breath a sigh of relief.

I’m living life so happily right now. I’m able to do laundry and house work! Cooking! Playing with Willow! All the normal things I’ve always done before I was diagnosed. Then all of a sudden, I remember. I remember what is going on inside my body. How can it be? Is it just a bad dream? No. I’m still awake. I’m still awake! The nightmare is real. I feel so good that I forget all about my health challenges. As I remember reality, it startles me! Like a bad dream! It’s just a new feeling. It’s weird. It’s real. It happens several times a day while I’m awake. I find myself feeling a little anxious. I’m trying not to be over confident with the recent findings of the CT scan. I find myself believing that I could beat this for a while longer than I thought. Something is pulling at my shoulders. Woah Nelly, slow it down. We’ve got a long ride ahead of us. My feelings are so conflicted! I’m just so so happy to be feeling better and doing things and that the goodness outweighs the bad by FAR.

I’m not sure how many weeks I’ve been in quarantine along with Tom and Willow. I know I pulled Willow from school 3 weeks before they closed. Since that time, I went to my sister’s home one night for a slumber party with my sisters (before the crap hit the fan) and on the way I went to the grocery store. There was a lot of chatter about the virus but there were no masks or talk of social distancing at that time. Now I only go to the hospital for treatment. We go for a drive here and there and we hang out in our driveway. Now that the weather is nice it is so much fun!!! We love our neighbors! Our pals next door are amazing people (and I could go on and on about Willow’s BFF, neighbor puppy Callie). Walter brings out his speaker and puts it on the lot line. He is selfless as he plays our favorite songs. Willow loves her dance parties! We stay in our own driveways and have fun conversation. So many people are walking by. We’ve lived here over 20 years and we just love the people. We’ve been doing a lot of chalk art. Willow painted some rocks and left for people to pick up. She also loves her scooter. She has two and can ride them both at the same time. One foot on each scooter. I pray often in our driveway!

We did some social distance visits last week. I went to see sister Chris and Ruby, brother Ben, Trina, Daisy and Carson and my MOM! We went to each of their homes, not all together. The driveway visits were wonderful, although not long enough. It was painful to not be able to hug or get close.

I’m starting to make some purging progress. The busy days of work and raising a little girl has meant if I’m done with it or don’t know what to do with it, throw it in the basement! But that outfit is so cute! I remember her being so cute and little in that outfit! I can’t possibly throw it away. Time to make some tough choices in order to make space for us. Like many families, our dining table has turned into an art studio and school supply store. I cannot tell you how much I love this chaos!! I was never like this! I remember when I’d clean the house and afterwards it actually felt clean! So much has and continues to change. Some really great things and some horrific things. Through it all, I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!! How can it be that I am in jeopardy of losing it all? HOW?

Even with that dreadful thought, my drama meter is so low now compared to March and most of April. I’m calm. Even though I’m experiencing this anxiety about my situation, I am accepting of it all with prayer and the support of my amazing family and friends. I can’t remember the last time I cried. A thought has crossed my mind. Could it be that the world is with me? I think this virus, no matter how serious one takes it, doesn’t seem to discriminate from attacking anyone. Is this calming to me and my situation? Knowing we are all in this together? I feel like my worry has transitioned. It’s been just me. All about me. Now my worry is spread all over the world and closer to home to my family and my friends. Just a thought. Just more ramblings from a girl that is trying to figure it all out.

Peace, love and good health to each and every one of you!

xoxo

Cathy

HEALTH UPDATE: It’s all true. Tumor monster has shrunk. New measurements are 11x11x15 cm. Clots and cancer in veins have also decreased in size. My hemoglobin has increased to 9.4. Still low but the first time I’ve been in the 9’s since I received two pints of blood. Glucose came in at 94. First normal level in probably 10 years. I won’t lie. When I heard the news on the phone that the tumor had shrunk, thoughts crossed my mind. They read the wrong scan. So sorry, it wasn’t your scan we reported to you. She meant to say it shrunk 3%, not 30%. It shrunk but the bad news is that it spread. Something had to be wrong. But it’s ALL RIGHT! I’m headed in the right direction as confirmed by my oncologist who gave me the two thumbs up at our brief visit on Wednesday. Everything went well at this appointment and we proceeded with immunotherapy treatment #3. I’m experiencing a side effect of a rash all over my back. I can handle scratching! Longer showers, more moisturizing. I can do this! I’m feeling so good! I might get my house organized after all!

Ramblings…..

All of your prayers and thoughts are working!!! Have you ever gave someone such hope before? Well now you have! I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers and support! I’m so very thankful. It’s so humbling.

The roller coaster continues. Your going to die. Your going to live. You might die. You might live. You might catch a virus and be gone in the blink of an eye. The treatment is working. It might stop working. Side effects may cause the trial to end. You could get treatment for months! Come to the hospital but we don’t really want you to come so you don’t catch the virus but you have to come. You have no choice if you want to fight this. You are on the brink of going down hill. You wake up fresh as a daisy! I could go on forever. Right now I’m at the top of the roller coaster hill. I can see the views for miles and miles. The world and life look spectacular. There is an exciting but nervous feeling inside. You know you are going to take a deep dive down this hill. I’ve done this before when I was first diagnosed. Just as fast as you hit bottom, you know you can soar up to the top! It’s a steep climb but you can do it. Before the climb, it’s time for the corkscrew. Not too high, not too low. Just FUN. I’m going to make the most of my time at the top. At the end of the ride you can take comfort knowing it will flatten out and you are safe. I’m looking forward to the end of this ride. I know it is likely far off into my future but I’ll wait. I can appreciate all that happens in between now and then. All along, this experience has taught me so much.

My drama meter is calm now. I wait for three weeks before my next treatment. I hope for no surprises. No complications would be nice. I’m planning on riding that corkscrew for the next 3 weeks, enjoying all life has to give…even in the middle of a pandemic. It’s so not easy. Everything is different and our lives are turned upside down…but one thing that can’t be taken away is the now. Right NOW we have each other! Right NOW is the time to make the most of every precious moment.

I love you all and wish you safety and happiness!

RAMBLING HEALTH UPDATE: The demise of the tumor monster has begun!!! Immunotherapy is WORKING! I had a CT Scan today at 11:30. My stomach sank when my phone range. It’s my oncologist. We had previously decided to discuss the results on Wednesday. It’s good news. Tumor monster has shrunk. WHAT?! How much? Oh….30%. THIRTY PERCENT? You have got to be kidding me! Cancer and clots that are clogging one of my many veins is also shrinking. This is why I haven’t had fluid build up in my abdomen! Seriously? Yes. Seriously. My head is spinning. I’m negative. I’ve successfully trained myself to not get attached to the possibility of beating this beast. All the news so far has mostly been difficult to hear. I’m so confused. I prepared myself for the most unfortunate news, not news of success. I’m processing. Beyond thrilled to hear the relief in my Mom’s voice, see the tears of joy on my sister’s beautiful face, feel the love and support from all my siblings, nieces and nephews as they have provided to me all along.

I understand this is just a blip of news in regards to my cancer. There will be more news. Some will be good. Some news will be bad. The road is still long. The mountain is still high. But now I’ve regained my strength. Physically. Emotionally. This initial and encouraging outcome of this new drug that commands my own immune system to attack this monster blows my mind! I M M U N O T H E R A P Y. What a word.

My thoughts and plans for this post today have been hijacked by the unexpected breaking news from my oncologist. I had planned to let you all know I’m feeling great. Ever since the 10 days of antibiotics were digested for the colon infection, life has been nearly a breeze. Happy thoughts and enjoying sunny days watching my little scooter girl are on my radar. I’m coherent enough that I’m actually realizing that I’m bored at home. My big day “out” was my trip to the hospital today. I wore makeup, including eye shadow. The hospital was once again nearly vacant. It was lonely as I drank my “contrast cocktail” before my scan. No visitors or appointment companions. It’s for the best. I can deal. Just as soon as my outing started it was over. I called my hero Tom and he came and picked me up. He will drop me off again on Wednesday. If all goes well I will have treatment #3.

I’m so happy to share my good news. I thank you all for your prayers, positive thoughts, good mojo, love and support. I don’t want to think where I would be without you all.

Be safe, I love you!!!!

HEALTH UPDATE: I FEEL GREAT! I’m not perfect but the high consistent fevers are gone. I have no answers but I’m guessing it was the C Diff infection. I’m on a baby dose antibiotic to keep that nasty infection away. Wahooo!!! I do get tired and feel like I’m still recovering from the damage done while I was down with that infection. My legs are wobbly but getting stronger. I have no bloating which means no fluids to be drained in my abdomen. I still get tired if I do too much but I think I’m improving a little every day! Next appointment is 4/22. I’m just hanging out until then!

Ramblings….

Happy Easter! What a glorious day and time to be alive! Although I am fully aware of all of the tough changes and heartache in our lives right now, it’s still a time in our lives to celebrate! I should be going to church to celebrate our savior. I am supposed to be running around making food for Easter dinner that should be spent with my loved ones. I should be hugging those we go to see on this blessed day. Circumstances have changed all of these wonderful things we’ve enjoyed our entire lives. Poof, gone. Disappointing. Dangerous now.

After the past several weeks I’ve had an intense experience of what it is like to be really sick. I was so down and out I don’t think I realized at the time how low functioning I was. Physical and mental breakdown. 100%. I feel like I’ve just woken from a coma! I realize why I haven’t minded being stuck at home. I wasn’t coherent enough to realize I was stuck at home. I know I’m better now. I’m starting to get cabin fever. Would I love to see my family today? Hug everyone I love? Go back to our “normal” way of life? Absolutely YES! I’m sad and my heart aches to see everyone but it is still a glorious day and time to be alive! The birds are singing. The flowers are growing! We live in the age of FaceTime and zoom! I have big dreams. I dream of my treatment working to slay the tumor monster and I dream of a cure and relief to all of the world for what we are going through.

So predictable. I feel good and my attitude is even better. When I’m sick, I’m fighting with the black tornado in the floor and hope is so far off in the distance, nearly forgotten. It makes me think of people who have dealt with chronic ailments. How do you cope? How do you stay positive? It’s an eye opener for me. I think of people often. Is there anyone out there that isn’t fighting some type of demon? Mental illness, physical illness, abuse, loneliness, grief? I pray for all of you. Life is full of lessons. I have learned so much since I’ve been diagnosed. The world of humans all have a special place in my heart. Each and every one.

Not to change the subject but the Easter Bunny dropped off way to much sugar. Have you ever run into starburst jelly beans? This bag is red only. Cherry, Strawberry and watermelon. I can’t stop eating them. All this sugar is not good for me so I’ve ordered them to be hidden. If you see a bag, I highly recommend them. Almost better than chocolate!

Have a Happy Easter! Sending love and happiness to you all!

HEALTH UPDATE: I’m feeling better! I’m so grateful. I almost feel human. I woke at 4 am this morning and did not have a fever. My stretches of not taking tylenol to control the fevers are stretching longer and longer. I’ve been having my usual evening fevers. My self diagnosis is that the C Diff infection in my colon kicked my butt.

God stepped in once again and made my fevers lessen earlier this week right before my scheduled immunotherapy treatment for this past Wednesday. It was touch and go as to if I would be able to have treatment. My labs were “stable” (look pretty wacky but not changing to being worse) and I was ready to go. Treatment accomplished on April Fools Day. I think I read a couple time that April Fools was cancelled this year. Okay by me!

I also took another trip to the digestive health folks for another draining of my abdomen. It wasn’t as much as the first trip but I still felt better afterwards. Now I just hang out for 3 weeks waiting for the next treatment. We may do some type of scan the next round. This is a slow moving treatment. They don’t expect to see results for 9-12 weeks.

Ramblings….

How are you? Are you Okay? I won’t lie. I feel uncomfortable talking and complaining about myself. It’s different now. Everything is different and will be for a very long time. The similarities of what the world is going through and being diagnosed with a serious cancer is undeniable. I have so many feelings from when I was first diagnosed resurfacing. The unknown is the biggest fear I had. When I think of the virus, I wonder the same thing. What is going to happen? I’ve got some time on y’all to process this type of concern. I’m not saying I’m immune to the fear. I’ve just adjusted somewhat so that I can accept what I cannot change. It takes a little of the pressure off and that is what we all need right now.

So many things are changing. I wonder if things will go right back to how it used to be when this is over? What have you noticed that is different in your world? Our biggest difference is house arrest (lol). Willow is social and loves to go to the park. She is blossoming before our eyes and taking this all in like an adult! Many conversations start with “when the virus is gone…..”. So smart. So brave! I will cherish this time with her forever and ever! Tom and Willow love to be outside so they are enjoying freeze tag, exploring and waving to the neighbors. Yesterday I joined them outside! Seriously, this is a great sign of improvement. I had enough energy to sit in a chair outside! I took it all in. The smells. The laughs. The kindness on faces of our beautiful neighbors. Love!

I’ve been in lock down at home for probably 2 months. At least. I’m not bored. I actually have spent the past several weeks in bed or on the couch with zero energy. It’s gone by quickly. I’m hoping my energy continues as now I can really get to some projects around the house! I need to take it slow. I hear my Dad’s voice when he was my Mom’s care taker. “Your getting tired and you don’t know it yet…time to rest”. He was right! My tv viewing of choice has always been the news. It’s too hard now. I often find myself watching HGTV now! Nooooooooo!!!! LOL. I used to laugh at those shows. That’s not real life real estate! What a joke! I could teach them some stuff. Ha ha. Hey though….I found a really cool show that takes me away. Log Cabin Living! Another goal! Gotta get us a place in the woods.

What I was starting to say above, prior to my massive ramble, is that I’ve been home for quite some time. The only place I go is to see doctors and medical professionals! Scary to stay so confined and then go to places like a hospital. The changes UW Hospital has made are very easily detected the moment you pull up. Clinic entrance is closed. No visitors allowed. I go to all my appointments solo now. Two lines of long tables inside the main entrance. Nurses with masks, shields, gloves and gowns are there to welcome you and ask questions. Any new symptoms? difficulty in breathing, cough, fever, etc. etc. They take your temp (I cringe but passed both times I’ve had to do this) and escort you to check in. Here is where it gets crazy. The place is nearly EMPTY! They have strategically either outright cancelled or moved appointments around to other places. I was the only patient in what is usually a packed waiting room for labs on Wednesday! I really felt like I was one of two entire patients in the whole place. I’m pretty sure they are saving all the rooms and places I can’t see for the pandemic. A nurse I spoke to said the ICU and ER areas are getting very busy. I pray for everyone!!!!

I wish you all the strength to find peace and happiness in the difficult days ahead. I’m sending love and appreciation and wishing for safety and good health to each and every one of you!

HEALTH UPDATE: Another gross but totally cool medical experience. I’m constantly amazed at what our bodies can do. The CT scan confirmed Ascites in my abdomen. My abdomen was filled with fluid and ready to burst. I went to the lovely UW Digestive Health Center on Friday afternoon so that the skilled staff could DRAIN this fluid from my body to make me feel better. They did an ultra sound to find a safe pocket to enter into. Once they found their spot they injected me with a local numbing drug, similar to what you would get at the dentist. Then a second injection through the wall of my abdomen. Not bad. A few twinges of WOW here and there. Next comes the tube. They stuck a tube in my side! Hooked it up to a container that must have had a vacuum on the other end and away it went. I watched the fluid run out the tube into the container for about 20 minutes. At the end it made the sucking sound like the last sip of a shamrock shake. You gotta get all of it! This procedure was nothing short of a miracle. I could eat again, wear my pants comfortably, breath again! I have felt sooooo much better!!! They took out one gallon of fluid. I lost about 8 lbs. I’ll be gaining it back quickly as I am able to actually eat! Once again, a fascinating procedure and outcome.

This fluid draining is a temporary fix to make me feel better. I have yet to know what or if there can be a long term solution. We will see if I continue to have this issue (likely). It is listed as a side effect from the immunotherapy.