Midnight Confession

HEALTH UPDATE: Waiting for my scan and next treatment which will occur next week. Although I’m feeling pretty darn amazing compared to several weeks ago, I am experiencing some minor issues that are tolerable.

Ramblings….

I can’t sleep! It is midnight. This is almost as rare than the hideous cancer that is trying to kill me. I’ve been flying so high for weeks. I’ve felt nearly perfect both physically and mentally without a care in the world at times. It has been easy to forget what is happening inside of me. It only takes a few different pains and feelings. Next thing you know I’m feeling awake. Worried. Uncertain.

Let me break it down. My self diagnosis of being a hypochondriac is not kind at the moment. I’m regressing to my old ways and worst case thoughts are taking over. Not to be boring, but I will share my symptoms and what my mind suggests is the issue. I feel crazy and these feelings must come out. Leg pain. Why is it that when I stand up it hurts so bad? My thighs are aching. I’m completely fine walking once I get up. I can lay down and sit just fine. Bone cancer? Probably. I have a cough. I go almost all day without a cough. I cough at night. I drink water and it is fine. Stuffy head and sinuses accompany this cough. I have a new feeling I’ve never had before on the left side of my nose. Is that where my sinuses are? It’s not a pain. It’s just a feeling. Probably a blood clot? I have clots in my vessels by the tumor monster. Maybe they broke lose and are in my head. Back to the cough. It’s only been a few days. I have no other covid symptoms. Could it be covid? Throat cancer? Oh, it must be lung cancer! Weight gain! 17 pounds in 3-4 weeks. I have lost a total of 75 pounds since January 2019. What a cool slim down. Except for the cancer part that caused it. Why did I gain back so quickly upon feeling better…what does it mean? Is everything working better now? Am I finally processing the nutrients properly that I’ve been missing for so long? Perhaps it is my eating habits. I must confess…I’m obsessed with oreos. Double Stuf (why can’t they spell it correctly?). They seem to be kind of a joke as far as the stuf. I remember years back when the double stuf came out it was huge. Look at all that “stuf” in the middle! Now you have to get the triple stuf or whatever it’s called. I’m not going there. Too dangerous. I’m guessing it’s like what the double stuf used to be. So what are the regular oreos? Barely any stuf? Well life is too short to find out. I eat three of the double stuf every morning with my coffee before anyone wakes. I eat a few more throughout the day. There. I said it. My mind wanders again. Perhaps tumor monster is growing bigger and bigger. Maybe collectively I have 17 lbs of tumors all over? My mind is filled with the worst. I try to shut it off. I know that anything is possible, even good news.

It’s 12:33 am. There are no answers. There likely won’t be any answers until after my scan next week. I have often wondered what it would be like having cancer. I wondered if people who beat cancer let the possibility of recurrence fill their minds. Did they flinch with every pain and new feeling? I’m sure everyone is different and for people like me…each day brings new feelings. Happy and confident one minute, sad and angry the next. Live like there is no tomorrow is great but I’m finding that it isn’t realistic every day.

Have you ever been so happy that it made you sad and angry? I had a moment today. I was in the driveway, enjoying the most perfect day. I’ve been waiting for leaves to sprout from our city tree out front. I noticed tonight they are almost there. I thought to myself, I cannot wait for fall. These brand new greener than green leaves are going to turn to a brilliant yellow. There will be so many leaves! The tree is getting so huge! Then the happy stopped. Will I even be here this fall? My heart sank. I had forgotten for a while.

I’m right on cue. Feeling perfect and the world is perfect. Have a few symptoms and all hell breaks loose. Next thing you know I’m up at 12:48 am typing up a storm. I want to turn it around and put a positive spin on this but right now I’m also angry.

It’s the next day now. Moments after typing the above paragraph I heard tiny footsteps. Willow is awake. It’s after 1:00 am! What are you doing Mommy? Come to bed. Of course, sweetheart. My anger is wavering as she leads me upstairs. I just look at her and my heart is mush. A reminder that every single day is a gift. Don’t be angry. She needs a happy Mom. She is the reason to be happy and a reason to fake it when I’m not. I fell asleep. The challenge of falling asleep was over. We slept until 7:30 a.m. this morning!

It’s another beautiful day. I put on my big girl pants and I’m ready to face whatever happens. Not like I have a choice, but at least I’m feeling better. Physically and mentally. Thanks for the sweet dreams, Willow! I love you!