How long?

HEALTH UPDATE: Holding steady! Feeling good! Completed CT scan yesterday. I received very limited information about the results. No new concerns and continued decrease in size of the tumor monster. My life is too good to be true. Thank you prayer warriors and well wishers!

Ramblings…

I received a call yesterday from the coordinator of the study that I am participating in. She told me just those few things I mentioned above in the health update, based on the short answer in the report. The details will come tomorrow when I meet with my oncologist. I’ve been anxious about this scan so I’m very pleased to hear it looks good but I really need to know details. I want to see the actual scan and read the actual report.

I have many questions for my oncologist. I’ve had a lot bottled up inside. Now that I’m feeling good I’d like to have a drink. A margarita to be exact. Now I’m not going to go all crazy. I just want a nice cool drink in the driveway that isn’t water. Or hot coffee. I hope that is acceptable to the team. My other questions are related to health and mostly some of my interpretations of the reports. What does it all mean? What does she think? I think I know her answers and except for terminology, there will be many “I don’t know” answers. To no fault of her own, this is a new drug. She’s told me before that she’s never seen such a huge and strange tumor. We are shooting in the dark. That’s okay. I’m still curious. She must have some ideas based on what she’s seen so far.

I have another question that I must ask. Has my prognosis changed? I’ll be honest. I had a hard time even ejecting that question from by brain to the keyboard. Do I really want to know? Should I just live day by day? The first time I met her, she told me the tumor is inoperable. We could administer chemo to prolong my life. There was little hope chemo would shrink a tumor of this size. There was too much involvement with arteries and veins. It was dire. I asked the dreaded, how long? She suspected I would have months, not years to live. Well folks. I’ve already burned through 6 months of my “months” since diagnosis. I’ve never felt better. I’ve been slacking off of completing my to do list before I “you know what” (um, why can’t I write the word?)…. Do I need to hurry up? Can I take my time a bit? I’m so incredibly ridiculous. I know.

I won’t find out “how long” tomorrow but I’ll feel better knowing I asked. No matter what the answer I’m still going to do what I’m doing. I’m going to continue to fight, fight, fight and I’m going to enjoy each day the best I can. I’m going to focus more on my faith and the love that I’m so blessed to have in my life. There is no way I can lose! Winner winner, chicken dinner!

Big hugs!!

Cathy