Keep the Faith

HEALTH UPDATE: Rambling health update alert. Triple slicer scan completed Monday 11/16/20 on the one year anniversary of the scan at Meriter hospital that started it all. With tensions high with anticipation of discussing the results with my oncologist today, I was surprised to see my results delivered to me on Monday afternoon! Look? Don’t look? I clicked it faster than the speed of sound. Scan scan scan….scan the scan report…mumbling whispering words. There. There it is. SHIT. STABLE. Not smaller. No more shrinkage. Not bigger! That’s good. But not smaller. Sigh. Crap! Why the he$& is there a paragraph of findings under the liver section??!! Oh here we go. The liver Blah blah (google) and blah blah blah (google, Google, Google!) blah blah….oh I don’t know what this means. I’m not a radiologist or oncologist. I can figure out they see “something”. I’m on the ledge. Tom immediately pulls me back off the ledge and sister Melanie, after reviewing the report, pulls me to safety away from the ledge. I snap out of it and my internal negotiations commence. If it’s bad I lasted longer than I thought I would. If it’s bad I can still fight! I wonder what we can try next. I knew something was wrong. I knew it! Well just ignore this because I could be completely wrong like I usually am with my self diagnosing skills.

Today is the day! I’ve decided the lab results are going to dictate how this day will go. I’m greeted by the most lovely nurse Rachel. She makes getting a needle stabbed into my chest almost enjoyable!! Next is the meeting with my oncologist. As I wait, I see my lab reports coming through to “mychart”. First batch looks amazing. They aren’t the results I’m looking for though. I need to see liver function, lipase, Ldh. My. Palms. Are. Sweating. Here they are. Good. Good. Good!!!! I’m called back to my room. I hear the clicks of her shoes. But she’s not wearing shoes! Boots! Beautiful boots! I’ve been coming here long enough to see the full circle of seasonal footwear! She looks beautiful. I’m excited to hear what she thinks. She’s disappointed…..that SHE didn’t get to tell me the good news and that I saw it on mychart!!! Ummm, what? Stable is good. Stable is good. Stable. Is. Good.

If I’m lucky enough to remain stable or better we will revisit our game plan upon two years of completion of immunotherapy. That date will be 3/13/2022. The liver business appears to be a shadow of this or that. It could be contrast perhaps because of the triple slicer scan. My doctor is not concerned. I trust this assessment. Mostly because I’m naturally trusting with good news. Also because my blood work reflects completely normal liver function. Thank you Lord for more gifts that I can’t possibly imagine why I’m so worthy of receiving.

Ramblings…..

This life!!! It’s soooo good! I’m biased. I just got good news. Of course this life is good. I’m thankful beyond measure. When I saw that scan report I cancelled thanksgiving in my mind. Today, I’m ready to peel potatoes with a paring knife. I can’t wait! It doesn’t take long for me to feel humble as I’m sitting here in the chemo treatment room with curtain walls. I’m in the “no TVs” wing. It’s easy to hear everyone’s conversations. A man is coughing. Dry mouth. He asks for every kind of juice they have. So dry. Sounds are now coming from a different direction. A nurse offers her patient a high does of anti nausea medication as they discuss how she gets sick during every infusion of poison. Next door to me a shaking older voice is making a call to his clinic on speaker phone. He’s returning a call. He couldn’t catch the call because he’s here. Getting chemo. He’s connected with his caller. The voice on the other end tells the man there is a new mass. They won’t know what it is until it is removed and sent in for biopsy. It could be benign says the voice but there is just no way to know. The man with the dry mouth is better. He is talking loudly about his side effects. They are not good and they remind me of the side effects I had when I was on chemo. He says his daughter was brushing his hair. She tells him, “dad…your hair is falling out”. He tells her, “it’s just hair”. Damn straight. It is just hair. He is on the phone now telling his story. He has a mass on his liver. They don’t know where it came from. He sounds really strong but overall physically weak from the toxins. He orders beef tips and noodles for lunch. He says he will eat anything but liver.

This life. As I write this, I’ve gone from shouting happiness to the world and Willow skipping the rest of school when I get home to…:I don’t even know. It’s a heavy sadness. My body feels heavy. My heart feels heavy. Hot tears are starting to well up in my eyes. How did I get here?! This life. With all its happiness and all its sadness. This life is certainly amazing. Without this experience I’m positive I would die not knowing how truly blessed I am. I am praying for the sick and dying. I’m praying for all the loved ones too. Caregivers, doctors, nurses. Bless you all. This life is so hard…but it is so good.

Happy thanksgiving ! It will be a thanksgiving like no other in so many ways!

Ramblings…..

Another brilliant soul lost to pancreatic cancer today. Rest in peace Alex Trebek. I know you fought hard. I’ve watched your interviews. I’ve read your stories. I’m sorry for what you have been through. You are amazing and loved by so many. No more pain. May God bless you and your family.

My old friend sadness has come for a visit these past few days, I almost didn’t recognize her. Several reasons. World chaos, covid-19, minor digestive issues, diagnosis anniversary. I’ve felt so good that I’m keenly aware of just the slightest sense of abnormalities in my body. I’m sure it’s nothing. Wait, why the hell would I think it’s nothing? I have cancer for cripes sake! Then I remember. I ate a hot dog. Lol. Whatever is going on, I’m very lucky to be checked so often. Next scan is November 16th.

I’m having flashbacks of last year when I was diagnosed. It’s like it’s haunting me! I’ve gotten used to my easy escape! Life is so good! Have fun and then some more fun! I feel nearly flawless compared to the horrific symptoms I had early on. It’s been easy to forget. But now it seems the reminders are everywhere. I’m thinking back to that time of uncertainty and the news of certain doom. It has me uneasy but I feel mostly in control. Until today.

I’ll take F Cancer for $500 Alex. “Five year survival rate of this cancer is 9%.” DING!!!!! “What is pancreatic cancer?” Yes!! Let me tell you what you’ve won!!!! Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like my dad would say…”it’s a SHIT sandwich!!!”. A life time of clinging to hope that you will beat the shitty odds. Not knowing when the shoe is going to drop. Maybe my symptoms are just normal. Maybe the tumor monster outsmarted my kick ass immune system on crack. I don’t know! I’ll just have to wait until the next scan. The next blood results. Until there are no more.

I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m scared. I also know who I am. I’ll bounce back. It’s just a perfect storm right now. Thinking about Alex Trebek tonight. He did really well for a while. Like me.

I’ll cry my tears today. I’ll give myself some time to feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow will be a new day. The sun will come up in the most beautiful fashion. I’m going to embrace the moment. I’ll accept my sadness and let it be but I will not let it define me because I am way to fun to let that happen. I don’t know why I let the sads creep in. I suppose it’s only natural. It’s also temporary.

HEALTH UPDATE: Same! I’m feeling mostly well with the exception of joint pain. Pretty sure it’s arthritis….everywhere. Small price to pay. I’m scheduled for my next scan on November 16th. It will be a “triple slicer” scan. Crazy, right? I’ve contacted the talented Dr. Evans at Froedtert in Milwaukee to take a follow up peek at my guts to see what he thinks about my progress. He is requesting the triple slice scan compared to the double slice I usually have. My body will be scanned like an extra thin sliced spiral ham. Remember that knife commercial on tv (brother Bill!!!)?! Slices ham so thin your in-laws may never come back!! Ha!!

Ramblings….

So much is happening. I made my goal of survival until Election Day!!! For anyone that follows me on social media, I’m not too shy about my political beliefs. I disagree with almost everything our current president does and who he is as a person. My intensions are never to troll or harass my friends and family with our differences. I never feel ill will towards people with different opinions. I just have a hard time keeping quiet and out of the conversation. I also have a true need to understand others. This has been a stressful time for everyone. We are still waiting for an official winner to be called at this time. One thing I’ve learned looking at the results so far, we really need to come together and listen to each other. I pray for peace moving forward!

We’ve been so busy. School is wonderful but also hard. It’s such an adjustment. We are all working hard to navigate through the changes. Halloween was so much fun. We had an egg hunt at our dear little friends house followed by a treasure hunt at our house. We are beyond blessed to have our friends in our lives. We are like minded in regards to covid precautions. It gives us a sense of social normalcy that we’ve been craving. We love them dearly and my girl is beyond thrilled to have her fun play times.

I’m just crushing goals left and right. Lol. I survived until election and I also did the thriller dance on Halloween night! It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. It did not turn out as I expected. Good in some ways, awful in others. This dance was very difficult for me! Physically and mentally! I could not remember the moves and I would get dizzy or trip on most of the moves. Lol!! I knew early on that edits would need to be made. In the end, it was really fun getting dressed up and jumping around the best I could. I’m no Michael Jackson, that’s for sure…but I did what I set out to do. It felt so good!!

I’ve had an unsettled feeling lately. I can’t help but be reminded of November 16, 2019. Nearly one year ago. I’d had enough of feeling sick. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget where I was when I was told by the ER doctor that I had an enormous tumor in my spleen. Looking back it’s like I’m looking at someone else’s life. I can’t explain how I felt. At the time I didn’t know how serious it would turn out to be. so much has happened since that night. I’m feeling weird that I’m stuck on these memories lately. Why can’t I just move on?! I guess it’s just a big part of my life that I won’t soon forget. I’m just replaying it all in my mind over and over again. In a way it’s horrifying. In another way, I’m incredibly thankful for the tremendous progress I’ve made. I still can’t believe how lucky I am! I’ve been able to overcome for now.

“For now”. There is a constant doubt of continuation of life. I’m still hesitant to think my life will just continue on! My BFF sister Melanie and I were talking about my life expectancy mindset. She’s an amazing sound of reason. She is really confident and gently reminds me to look into my future years down the road. I just am not there. Does that matter? Am I supposed to put that positive energy into the universe so I make it on this earth longer? Do I ignore the horrific statistics for pancreatic cancer survival? Yes. I’m very different than most of the warriors given this dreadful disease. I’ve been blessed with a high mutational burden that opens a medical door to hopeful solutions but nothing is guaranteed. There are no answers.

For now, I see my life just day by day…which is why I might put up the Christmas tree any day now. Lol. Just kidding. We’ve been to Olin park for the holiday lights 4 times already and they are not yet turned on. We love to see the progress each day of the assembly of the magical display. This will be an amazing holiday season. So much to look forward to.

Sending love, blessings and safety to all!!

HEALTH UPDATE: Mostly the same. Dang my joints hurt. Allergies are kicking in too. I’m happy as a lark to have these symptoms compared to the alternative. I pray for all of the cancer warriors around the globe that they too may experience a miracle or two within their cancer journey. Shit…let’s throw in all the people fighting right now. Depression, addiction, covid….all of it! Fight, fight, fight! You can win! Even in death, we can win. Uh oh. Rambling. Wrong section.

Next treatment is October 28th. No scan. Just blood work and miracle concoction infusion.

Ramblings….

The leaves are falling, temperatures dropping. The days are shorter. Nights longer. I’ve cashed two pumpkin spice bottles of coffee creamer and my mega box of 80 delicious victor allens pumpkin spice k cups has dwindled to only a handful. I just lit a brand new cinnamon stick yankee candle. The big one. Love love love that smell! We’ve had two fires in the fireplace already. First time in YEARS that we’ve lit it up! We’ve been playing in the leaves after our work is done. I get out the blower and it’s a leafnado!!!! Giggles abounds! So. Much. Fun. I am working feverishly to get ready for Halloween. I am not going to just sit by and let cancer and a virus ruin one of my favorite holidays. Nope. I am going to learn the thriller dance. As I watch the tutorial on YouTube it makes my head hurt. I am not a dancer. I will not give up and I will learn and perform this dance on Halloween night in my driveway. I have my costume. I’ll be ready! So much to be grateful for. SO VERY MUCH!

I focus on this life. A lot. It’s amazing. But I can’t shake the thoughts. Shit. I still have cancer. My thoughts are forever changing. It went from sheer terror after the diagnosis to denial and lately, kind of forgetting about it. That is, until I remember. And just like that, it clicks. Listen girl. This is your life now. Don’t let it shake you. Practice what you preach. Acceptance! This is your life now. They say the cancer will never be cured. That doesn’t mean i can’t live. Accept it! The fears I’ve recently been having…they are sudden jolts of fear when I’m internally reminded of the cancer. It is so similar to worrying about “if” I have cancer. This is so much better now!!! I don’t need to worry about the IFS!!!! Lol. Like when Tom fertilized the yard….stay off the grass! Why? I already have cancer. Ha ha!!! Perks I tell ya! He watches ingredients on cereal boxes for the cancer causing stuff in wheat. My reply? I can eat it! I already have cancer! Seriously. My jokes are bad. These sudden jolts of fear do kind of feel like a living nightmare but I will pray for acceptance in my heart and continue to live the best life I can. Like going to the beach in October!

Survival. It’s an amazing thing this fall!! I survived another birthday! I’m blown away, once again, by the outpouring of love that I’m so blessed to receive. Thank you to everyone for the cards, birthday wishes, balloons, flowers, gifts, calls, texts, videos. Wow. Just wow!! Cheers to many more! The one survival goal I had after my diagnosis was to make it to the election. Pray for me! A few weeks to go!! I just read a story of a fellow cancer patient that shared my goal. He was in poor condition but was able to mail his vote. As his life was slipping away he was able to accomplish his dream. He died 8 days after he placed his ballot in that box so his vote won’t count but it’s cool. He did it!!!!

As covid-19 rages on, I pray for safety. Please be safe. It’s not just your own life. It’s the life of others. I pray for all the beautiful doctors and nurses who help us and save us. God, please keep them safe! I pray for our nation, amen.

HEALTH UPDATE: This is getting boring. Beautifully and miraculously boring! My labs were great on Wednesday and I proceeded to the chemo clinic for infusion of the amazing concoction that has kept me going since March of this year. My doctor and I just kind of look at each other with smiling eyes. We can’t see each others faces. You know. The covid-19 mask thing. It’s a quick visit these days. More of a formality. She did add to the discussion that she took my scans to the tumor board. They talked about my progress and decided that it’s best to keep going with this treatment as there is still involvement with veins and whatnot. It would still be a very risky surgery at this time. My primary doctor even sent me a note and said she was happy to see the tumor board said my progress was “fantastic”. So while surgery still isn’t the best and safest option right now, my progress is headed in the right direction. I actually prefer this plan. I remember how devastating it was to not be able to have surgery. It was my only hope. But now, as long as treatment is still shrinking the tumor monster and my quality of life is good, I see no reason to take that risk. Thank you Jesus. I am so grateful.

Ramblings…

WOW! Just wow. How long can this go on like this? How long will labs look good? How long will I feel good? I’m beginning to think I might just make it here on earth a while longer. It’s an inner struggle. I’ve spent so many months working on acceptance of my situation. I’ve gotten used to it. I have my moments of tears, fears and curiosity of the afterlife. So far, I haven’t let myself go to that place of comfort. The place and thought of me actually surviving this beast. Not forever surviving but maybe much longer than I expected. I’m starting to see a crack in my mountain. I’m climbing. I’m climbing. The mountain is splitting open between the rocks in the teeniest, tiniest way. There is sunlight coming through and it’s not the light from the Lord in heaven. It’s the light here on earth. I’m cautious. One slip and the rocks will fall and cover the crack. I know this. I have to protect myself. But I can feel the slightest sunlight on my face from this crack. It feels good. Exciting but uncertain. So I shall continue to enjoy each moment, as I have been. More rambling thoughts to ponder each and every day.

Sending so much love and wishes of safety and happiness to all!!

HEALTH UPDATE: Same! Holding steady. I love my Fitbit. I’ve hit 10k steps a few times. It’s great! My next treatment is next week Wednesday already. Time flies when you are having fun!

Ramblings…

I’m so very happy to be here. I absolutely love the weather. We had a fire in our fireplace last week. It’s been years! We’ve never had the time. Too many toys in the way. The fireplace tools were buried somewhere in the basement. So many excuses. No more excuses! Willow couldn’t believe it. I’m pretty sure she thought it was cool. I roasted a marshmallow for her. Too sticky! No problem! Before Willow, I wouldn’t dream of handing over to a kid a sticky gooey mess making marshmallow in my spotless home! So much has changed. I also thought she would enjoy watching the news at a very young age. You know, like mommy does! I imagined her preferring classic rock and all things adult. That didn’t happen. I’m not complaining! The Troll 2 soundtrack is one of my favorites!! My life has been full of change. I’m grateful. It’s kept my mind so busy.

I logged into mychart to check out a few things. I noticed I had additional treatment appointments scheduled. I’m booked on the schedule every three weeks through December 9th. As I was adding the appointments to my calendar my heart sank. The feeling of I DON’T KNOW. I really do not know what this feeling is. You see, that appointment in December will be 4 days past the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. Happy? Scared? PTSD? Hopeful? Yes. And more. I just can’t put a finger on it. Will I even be here for that appointment? I was told it wasn’t likely back on December 5, 2019. Then I replayed the estimate in my mind. “Months. Not years”. Oh. Months. MonthS. Maybe she meant not quite two years. Months could be up to 23 months because yearS would be 24 months, right? Maybe I interpreted it wrong all along. Yes. I fully realize this is crazy over analyzing at its finest. Lol. That’s how I roll. My genetic testing changed everything anyways. Changed my timeline to “I don’t know” but seemingly better than the original prediction. I don’t know my prognosis. I’m living day to day.

Regardless of what my future holds, the feelings of despair during that time of terror that feels like yesterday has yet to be forgotten. There was a lot of self convincing. I had to train myself to accept what I was given. I was sick as hell. I got most of my affairs in order. Things that I thought were important at the time. They are still important but some of the loose ends remain. I’ve blown them off as I have lived in fairy land for the past 6 months. Six months of a wonderful and beautiful life. Full of usual and extremely unusual stressful situations but overall blissful. I never realized how amazing it is to feel so good until the time I experienced feeling so very bad. It’s much easier to forget about the other problems we are all facing in America. I’m still very vocal about those issues so I can only imagine how loud I would be had I not found a new appreciation for life.

I believe I am a miracle. I’m not supposed to be feeling as well as I am. I talk to my Mom about this almost every time we talk. We just can’t believe it. I can feel it in her voice. Did I mention how much I can’t stand being apart from her? I miss her. We talk and I’ve gone to see her in her driveway. I need her touch. I don’t know what to do. It’s another “I don’t know” feeling. I can’t wrap my mind around this situation. This virus. Is it possible to have so many different emotions that a person mentally explodes? I have a consistent track record of not being able to organize or understand my feelings. I think it’s why this blog is so helpful. Writing it all down offers a slight sense of organization and understanding.

Thinking about the past nearly one year is such a challenge. I’m surviving a terminal cancer and running from a deadly virus. It’s beyond bizarre. The next month will be nuts. I have a BIRTHDAY. I automatically think…what will my age be on my obituary? I read them all the time. I started doing that years ago and I think it has something to do with being a self diagnosed hypochondriac. I would look for ages and cause of death. I know. It’s weird. I can’t explain it. Seeing people die from the same cancer I have does not freak me out. I totally understand that my cancer is very mean. It kills a lot of people. Many suffer greatly. RIP RBG! I feel so very bad for them. I had a taste of that pain and suffering but for now I’ve been spared. What did I do to deserve this feeling of good health? I don’t know.

In the coming weeks and months I imagine I will be heavily and sadly reflecting on how this all began. How I overcame. How my road is still very long. What did I do with my precious time? What still needs to be done? I want to give back some how! I want to continue to share my story. I wish I could reach the hands of every soul with worries of life ending scenarios. Patients and families alike. I want to squeeze the crap out of these hands. I want to be there for them as so many have been here for me. I’m fully aware of how lucky I am to have a support network of incredible strength. Not everyone is so lucky. I’m humbled with gratitude for all of the prayers, love, friendships, kind words, cards and gifts. I can’t believe the outpouring. Wait, yes I can. I love my people. You are kind and I would never have made it this far without you all. I need to find a way to reach out. Will you help me? Please consider this an open invitation to all friends and family and anyone you know far and wide to extend their hands to me. I am here for virtual hand holding, hugs, prayers and positive vibes. Thank you.

There is so much I do not know but what I do know for sure is that I’m grateful beyond measure for all the wonderful things in my life.

Blessings and safety to all!!

xoxo

HEALTH UPDATE: Pretty much the same. I’m slow with sore muscles in my legs. Finger joints are sore. It’s weird. Add some fatigue. It’s cancer after all. It should be worse so I’m thankful that it is not. I’m coasting and praying for more medical boredom. My next treatment will be on October 7th.

Ramblings….

I’m certainly doing better physically than I am mentally. I’m struggling. I’m finding it harder and harder to remain positive. I have a lump in my gut. Ha ha! Literally and emotionally!

I have no issues sharing my thoughts and my life with others. I never really thought about it before. When cancer came a knockin, I realized that not only was I willing to pour it out but I enjoyed it. It felt better to get things off my chest. I’ve been this way with politics too. I’m caught in between “what will people think of me” and “I cannot remain silent”. I’ve always been someone that needs to be loved. I know I put it on the line when I’m discussing and sharing sensitive topics on social media. In my heart, I need to let it out…much like I do on this forum. It went a little far for me this week. Not you brother Bill or sister Beth. Although our beliefs couldn’t be further from the same we at least respect and love each other. My encounter with an unknown person, both of us hiding behind keyboards, was not what I was expecting. I really should have known better. I’m not unlike this person in the sense that I’m passionate about my truth and I feel confident in my message. What I’m always so surprised by is the cold hearted spirit of some. I’ve always thrived to debate with respect, adult words and even humor, if possible. I want to understand the view of others. My intent isn’t to knock someone down personally. I’ll even admit to things, trying to draw out compassion from my debating opponent. In this case I admitted to fear. Fear.

I opened up to this opponent. It was a mistake. I was reminded quickly that winning is more important to others than it is for me. I was fear shamed. Yes! Shamed for being fearful. I’ve seen many people fear shame. If you wear a mask, social distance, stay home then you are SCARED! Like it’s bad! Like you are so weak!! You know what!? HELL YES! I AM SCARED! I’d say “and proud of it”….but I’m not proud. I’m just scared.

I’m scared of what this world has become and where it is headed. I’m scared about my health insurance. I’m scared that my vote won’t actually count. I’m scared I’ll catch covid or my family or friends will catch covid and have lasting issues or not recover at all. I’m scared I won’t be able to safely hug and kiss my own Mom before I die!!! I’m scared about the police. I’m scared about black lives too! I’m scared of who will be elected. I’m scared of staying home for literally the rest of my life because it’s my safest choice. Most of all, by far, is that I am scared for my daughters future. So yes. I’m scared. I admit it. It doesn’t mean I don’t live life. It doesn’t mean I’m curled up in a ball on the floor. It also doesn’t mean I’m crippled with worry every minute of the day. It means I have fears and I think it’s OKAY!

Guess I’m a snowflake. I’ve been called worse. I’m seriously needing to refocus. I will refocus. I can’t let someone I don’t even know make me feel bad for living with fear. What I can do is keep enjoying the good stuff. Like fall. Like my family. Like Halloween. It’s coming!!

Praying for compassion no matter what the differences are in our country today.
Love and safety for all!

Amen.

HEALTH UPDATE: I’m pleased to report that tumor monster has continued to shrink! It is not as substantial as the early days of this trial that started back in March of this year but I am headed in the right direction. I was able to see the latest scan on the computer compared to an earlier scan. Two words. Holy shit! It’s looking a lot smaller. I didn’t get the exact measurements but I swear I saw a couple 7+cm dimensions. Single digits baby! That was a silent goal of mine. My labs are good and as I sit here waiting for my miracle concoction I am filled with gratitude and happiness. PARTY ON!!!

Ramblings….

I was emotional this morning. I rarely feel so vulnerable. Willow and I start each day with snuggles. Today was no exception. We held hands with our fingers interlocking, something we rarely do. We stayed that way for a while. I wish I could read her mind. Does she feel my angst about the appointment today? I think she is happy that daddy will be teaching her today instead of me. He will go into full character mode and talk like a funny little guy the whole time. She loves it. But her hand. This tiny hand. It’s holding on tight. I know as much as I’m not the cool teacher, she is going to miss me today. She will miss me when I’m gone. Do not go there! I’m trying to convince myself…do not go there. However, this is reality and the understandable reason for tears. Our hugs are solid. They take away fears and give me strength. Don’t forget. It’s all about the now. The most wonderful and beautiful NOW!

Peace, love and gratitude to all of my prayer warriors, family, friends, my doctors, my nurses and every kind soul on this planet!! Thank you!! Thank you!!!!

oh…..and here is a link to the uw carbone cancer center video I was blessed to be a part of. I’m not sure if the link works. I’m good at “other things”…Lololol.

HEALTH UPDATE: I’m freaking out! Scan on Monday. It’s been 9 weeks since the last one! I’m feeling good although the muscle and joint pain is still hanging around. I’m still gaining weight. I’ve had a couple other minor twinges of this and that as well. Things that would be completely normal for me in my past, pre-cancer life. Now every tiny thing is scrutinized. One thing I know for sure….if anything is wrong (more wrong? Lol!!) I will find out next week as my torso is scanned sliver by sliver….like a spiral ham.

Ramblings…..

Holy smokes. Life has been amazing in many ways. I can’t even imagine if I wasn’t here to have this experience! After a summer of organizing and downsizing bit by bit we finally finished our classroom! It’s so wonderful. We are settling in and we are all learning! There are good days and hard days. Teachers are amazing. I already had so much respect but now it has grown! Willow is a champ. She’s so smart…when she wants to be. She is a jokester and a trickster. Am I supposed to whack her with a ruler like the nuns when she becomes unruly? All I really want to do is laugh. She reminds me so much of myself. She’s a fun loving kid. She’s also pretty serious when the lesson is starting to click. My “proud” reactions have always been so intense that it is common for Willow to request that I NOT be proud. She sometimes just isn’t in the mood for my theatrics. I can’t help it! She’s amazing! I beat her to the punch on occasion and ask her if I can be proud. My favorite reaction is a shy smile from her and a quiet “yes, mommy”. Either way, permission or not, I am always and forever proud of her.

Our driveway shenanigans have gone full throttle in recent weeks. For our romantic 22nd wedding anniversary (in the driveway) I surprised my groom by coming out to our cookout in my wedding dress. We danced and laughed. Willow just gazed at me and didn’t want me to take it off. She had fun trying on my veil. Super friends Lisa and Walter next door played “our song”, Alanis Morrisette “Head over Feet”. It’s all your fault, Tom!

We celebrated a very special 6th birthday! Frozen style (Let it go!) with a 4’ blow up, lit up pink (of course) cupcake! I’m so selfish. There is nothing I love more than celebrating. My only plan was to make my girl feel special. I was delighted when we had several driveway visits. We were up late and delirious with exhaustion by the end of the night. So many feel good memories made!

Back a few months ago at the hospital I was given a t-shirt! I wrote about it here on my blog. The shirt said ”I am loved. Carbone Strong”. It was quite moving as it was a very kind gesture on the part of all the special care team members I’ve met since my diagnosis, particularly the amazing Rachel…an oncology nurse at the UW Carbone Cancer Center lab. Carbone strong was created to help patients like me get through treatment without family or friends to give support after covid 19 hit and we could no longer have a +1 come with us. On top of their immense skills to keep us going with treatment they were also there for support. Amazing. I could already feel the love before the t-shirt! The shirt is super nice though so I’m thankful that I was given one. Lol. When I received a call from the hospital marketing department asking if I was interested in being interviewed for a piece about Carbone Strong it was a no brainer. It was an honor to be a part of such a wonderful story and I will be forever grateful to UW Carbone Cancer Center for helping all of us fighting cancer to feel loved and cared for. It was a very professional process and one I will not soon forget. The video was played during a virtual fundraiser by a wonderful organization, Garding against Cancer with the amazing WI Badger men’s basketball coach, Greg Gard. He and his wife are doing wonderful and selfless things by raising money for the Carbone cancer center. Needless to say, I’m a fan.

In summary, lots of memories made, good feels, big milestones met and more love and appreciation in my heart than ever. Praying this continues. There is so much yet to be done. Thanking and praising God for the beautiful gifts He continues to give. Thank you, thank you!

HEALTH UPDATE: Mostly the same. The aches are becoming more intense. My legs feel very weak. I dread standing up and walking up stairs. I have to take a second and talk myself into it. I will keep going and keep trying to build on the strength I have. I dare not bring this up to my oncologist in further detail as we have already discussed. Here is the deal. If we explore the reasoning for this and it is discovered I have other issues it could knock me out of the trial. I don’t care if I’m in a body cast. I am not stopping this trial. Not an option. I’m still doing amazingly wonderful, I get to speed up old age things whether I live to be old or not! Ha ha!

Ramblings….

As I am preparing for my new role as kindergarten teacher, I have had so many thoughts run through my mind. How on earth will this go? Willow might get into this. She might also hate it and it could become an enormous struggle. We are all going to have to take it one day at a time and I will continue to learn the power of patience. One thing I know for sure, I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I understand fully how lucky I am to be here for her and for her to be here for me. This is where it gets deep.

I feel like there is an elephant in the room. Why am I not ready to go to work? Real work. Real Estate. My baby. My business that I’ve worked so hard to build. There are a lot of people that work with cancer. I would have to stay home though. There is no way I’m going out and taking the risk of catching the rona so let’s pretend covid 19 did not exist for a moment. I feel I am physically able to go to work. I would need help though. I don’t think I could physically handle a day of showing homes. My record, by the way, was 32 house showings in one day over 4 counties with a mom, dad and three kids under the age of 5. Those were the days! Oh and I should add…it was before GPS! Oh lord, how did I do it? I did it and I LOVED it.

I’ve talked about work a few times with family, friends and clients. I’ve not been able to put my finger on why I can’t jump up and get back to it. Covid 19 is a very good and real reason. It’s not the only reason. I’m out of the loop. I feel rusty. Our forms have changed. The industry has changed with covid. Many changes! There would be a lot of work to do to catch up to speed. I can’t leave the house! I am a total control freak. Can I really trust someone else to be my eyes and legs out on the street? My job can be stressful. Will it disrupt my healing? What if I have a bad day and feel sick? I’m better, but it still happens. When I work, I work! I’m all in. You can not half ass being a realtor and if you do, well….good luck. All of these reasons are my reality. I felt though, that they are all things I could always have overcome in my past life as a real estate beast. Why can’t I make this happen now? This is the question I’ve been internally struggling with.

The past few weeks it has become pretty clear to me another big reason. The emotional reason. The mental reason. I don’t want to leave my family! I don’t want to leave Willow and Tom to go to work! I don’t want to leave them to die! I don’t want to go anywhere! Ever! I don’t want to miss what I have! Yay for me. I have realized the missing link. Boo for me because it is breaking my heart. I would explain this as a break through. The fog is lifting. Since my diagnosis I’ve had such a consistent issue of sorting my feelings. So many emotions have clouded my usually clear path of what is what. I feel relieved that I have figured it out so I can deal with it but I’m not sure where it is headed.

For now, I will continue to hug my family tighter and enjoy each moment like I have been blessed to do. I’ll continue to keep real estate in my life too. I’ve got continuing education to look forward to this fall! Tom has also built a beautiful new web site for us. We really want to launch that soon too. It’s like dipping my foot in a swimming pool. The water is so damn cold. No way am I diving in right now. I need the pool to warm up. Turn on the heater and let me know when I’ll be comfortable. Throwing in a prognosis with even some certainty might help too. Until then, I’ll be sipping non-alcoholic margaritas pool side and ready to talk your ear off about real estate or refer you to one of my favorite associates until I can give 100 million percent of my attention and expertise as I’ve always done in the past.

Dang. I love this avenue of releasing my secret thoughts and feelings. I seriously was bawling as I wrote this. It came out! It’s better than R O L A I D S. Ha ha. This has been something that has bothered me for a while. Now that I’ve mostly figured it out and gotten it off my chest I feel better. I highly recommend blogging or writing a journal. It can do wonders for the soul!