Fear

HEALTH UPDATE: Pretty much the same. I’m slow with sore muscles in my legs. Finger joints are sore. It’s weird. Add some fatigue. It’s cancer after all. It should be worse so I’m thankful that it is not. I’m coasting and praying for more medical boredom. My next treatment will be on October 7th.

Ramblings….

I’m certainly doing better physically than I am mentally. I’m struggling. I’m finding it harder and harder to remain positive. I have a lump in my gut. Ha ha! Literally and emotionally!

I have no issues sharing my thoughts and my life with others. I never really thought about it before. When cancer came a knockin, I realized that not only was I willing to pour it out but I enjoyed it. It felt better to get things off my chest. I’ve been this way with politics too. I’m caught in between “what will people think of me” and “I cannot remain silent”. I’ve always been someone that needs to be loved. I know I put it on the line when I’m discussing and sharing sensitive topics on social media. In my heart, I need to let it out…much like I do on this forum. It went a little far for me this week. Not you brother Bill or sister Beth. Although our beliefs couldn’t be further from the same we at least respect and love each other. My encounter with an unknown person, both of us hiding behind keyboards, was not what I was expecting. I really should have known better. I’m not unlike this person in the sense that I’m passionate about my truth and I feel confident in my message. What I’m always so surprised by is the cold hearted spirit of some. I’ve always thrived to debate with respect, adult words and even humor, if possible. I want to understand the view of others. My intent isn’t to knock someone down personally. I’ll even admit to things, trying to draw out compassion from my debating opponent. In this case I admitted to fear. Fear.

I opened up to this opponent. It was a mistake. I was reminded quickly that winning is more important to others than it is for me. I was fear shamed. Yes! Shamed for being fearful. I’ve seen many people fear shame. If you wear a mask, social distance, stay home then you are SCARED! Like it’s bad! Like you are so weak!! You know what!? HELL YES! I AM SCARED! I’d say “and proud of it”….but I’m not proud. I’m just scared.

I’m scared of what this world has become and where it is headed. I’m scared about my health insurance. I’m scared that my vote won’t actually count. I’m scared I’ll catch covid or my family or friends will catch covid and have lasting issues or not recover at all. I’m scared I won’t be able to safely hug and kiss my own Mom before I die!!! I’m scared about the police. I’m scared about black lives too! I’m scared of who will be elected. I’m scared of staying home for literally the rest of my life because it’s my safest choice. Most of all, by far, is that I am scared for my daughters future. So yes. I’m scared. I admit it. It doesn’t mean I don’t live life. It doesn’t mean I’m curled up in a ball on the floor. It also doesn’t mean I’m crippled with worry every minute of the day. It means I have fears and I think it’s OKAY!

Guess I’m a snowflake. I’ve been called worse. I’m seriously needing to refocus. I will refocus. I can’t let someone I don’t even know make me feel bad for living with fear. What I can do is keep enjoying the good stuff. Like fall. Like my family. Like Halloween. It’s coming!!

Praying for compassion no matter what the differences are in our country today.
Love and safety for all!

Amen.