HEALTH UPDATE: Mostly the same. The aches are becoming more intense. My legs feel very weak. I dread standing up and walking up stairs. I have to take a second and talk myself into it. I will keep going and keep trying to build on the strength I have. I dare not bring this up to my oncologist in further detail as we have already discussed. Here is the deal. If we explore the reasoning for this and it is discovered I have other issues it could knock me out of the trial. I don’t care if I’m in a body cast. I am not stopping this trial. Not an option. I’m still doing amazingly wonderful, I get to speed up old age things whether I live to be old or not! Ha ha!
As I am preparing for my new role as kindergarten teacher, I have had so many thoughts run through my mind. How on earth will this go? Willow might get into this. She might also hate it and it could become an enormous struggle. We are all going to have to take it one day at a time and I will continue to learn the power of patience. One thing I know for sure, I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I understand fully how lucky I am to be here for her and for her to be here for me. This is where it gets deep.
I feel like there is an elephant in the room. Why am I not ready to go to work? Real work. Real Estate. My baby. My business that I’ve worked so hard to build. There are a lot of people that work with cancer. I would have to stay home though. There is no way I’m going out and taking the risk of catching the rona so let’s pretend covid 19 did not exist for a moment. I feel I am physically able to go to work. I would need help though. I don’t think I could physically handle a day of showing homes. My record, by the way, was 32 house showings in one day over 4 counties with a mom, dad and three kids under the age of 5. Those were the days! Oh and I should add…it was before GPS! Oh lord, how did I do it? I did it and I LOVED it.
I’ve talked about work a few times with family, friends and clients. I’ve not been able to put my finger on why I can’t jump up and get back to it. Covid 19 is a very good and real reason. It’s not the only reason. I’m out of the loop. I feel rusty. Our forms have changed. The industry has changed with covid. Many changes! There would be a lot of work to do to catch up to speed. I can’t leave the house! I am a total control freak. Can I really trust someone else to be my eyes and legs out on the street? My job can be stressful. Will it disrupt my healing? What if I have a bad day and feel sick? I’m better, but it still happens. When I work, I work! I’m all in. You can not half ass being a realtor and if you do, well….good luck. All of these reasons are my reality. I felt though, that they are all things I could always have overcome in my past life as a real estate beast. Why can’t I make this happen now? This is the question I’ve been internally struggling with.
The past few weeks it has become pretty clear to me another big reason. The emotional reason. The mental reason. I don’t want to leave my family! I don’t want to leave Willow and Tom to go to work! I don’t want to leave them to die! I don’t want to go anywhere! Ever! I don’t want to miss what I have! Yay for me. I have realized the missing link. Boo for me because it is breaking my heart. I would explain this as a break through. The fog is lifting. Since my diagnosis I’ve had such a consistent issue of sorting my feelings. So many emotions have clouded my usually clear path of what is what. I feel relieved that I have figured it out so I can deal with it but I’m not sure where it is headed.
For now, I will continue to hug my family tighter and enjoy each moment like I have been blessed to do. I’ll continue to keep real estate in my life too. I’ve got continuing education to look forward to this fall! Tom has also built a beautiful new web site for us. We really want to launch that soon too. It’s like dipping my foot in a swimming pool. The water is so damn cold. No way am I diving in right now. I need the pool to warm up. Turn on the heater and let me know when I’ll be comfortable. Throwing in a prognosis with even some certainty might help too. Until then, I’ll be sipping non-alcoholic margaritas pool side and ready to talk your ear off about real estate or refer you to one of my favorite associates until I can give 100 million percent of my attention and expertise as I’ve always done in the past.
Dang. I love this avenue of releasing my secret thoughts and feelings. I seriously was bawling as I wrote this. It came out! It’s better than R O L A I D S. Ha ha. This has been something that has bothered me for a while. Now that I’ve mostly figured it out and gotten it off my chest I feel better. I highly recommend blogging or writing a journal. It can do wonders for the soul!
One thought on “Fog is lifting”
Good blogging, as usual! It seems it is kinda like talking it out to a friend, wherein I find myself solving problems as I frame them for someone else to hear… Cathy, about your legs feeling weak, I have had that issue, too, on-and-off, alongside my cancer treatments. I find that it helps me to stand still awhile when I first get up, whether getting up from a chair, or getting out of bed. I also find it helpful to move my legs in different ways when I can, just to keep the circulation going in them, to keep them active. If you’d like to talk about it, I’d like that. Chris has my phone number.
Keep up all you are doing to take care of you, and to make good choices for you, and thank you as always for sharing