I’ll take “F Cancer” for $500 please….

Ramblings…..

Another brilliant soul lost to pancreatic cancer today. Rest in peace Alex Trebek. I know you fought hard. I’ve watched your interviews. I’ve read your stories. I’m sorry for what you have been through. You are amazing and loved by so many. No more pain. May God bless you and your family.

My old friend sadness has come for a visit these past few days, I almost didn’t recognize her. Several reasons. World chaos, covid-19, minor digestive issues, diagnosis anniversary. I’ve felt so good that I’m keenly aware of just the slightest sense of abnormalities in my body. I’m sure it’s nothing. Wait, why the hell would I think it’s nothing? I have cancer for cripes sake! Then I remember. I ate a hot dog. Lol. Whatever is going on, I’m very lucky to be checked so often. Next scan is November 16th.

I’m having flashbacks of last year when I was diagnosed. It’s like it’s haunting me! I’ve gotten used to my easy escape! Life is so good! Have fun and then some more fun! I feel nearly flawless compared to the horrific symptoms I had early on. It’s been easy to forget. But now it seems the reminders are everywhere. I’m thinking back to that time of uncertainty and the news of certain doom. It has me uneasy but I feel mostly in control. Until today.

I’ll take F Cancer for $500 Alex. “Five year survival rate of this cancer is 9%.” DING!!!!! “What is pancreatic cancer?” Yes!! Let me tell you what you’ve won!!!! Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like my dad would say…”it’s a SHIT sandwich!!!”. A life time of clinging to hope that you will beat the shitty odds. Not knowing when the shoe is going to drop. Maybe my symptoms are just normal. Maybe the tumor monster outsmarted my kick ass immune system on crack. I don’t know! I’ll just have to wait until the next scan. The next blood results. Until there are no more.

I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m scared. I also know who I am. I’ll bounce back. It’s just a perfect storm right now. Thinking about Alex Trebek tonight. He did really well for a while. Like me.

I’ll cry my tears today. I’ll give myself some time to feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow will be a new day. The sun will come up in the most beautiful fashion. I’m going to embrace the moment. I’ll accept my sadness and let it be but I will not let it define me because I am way to fun to let that happen. I don’t know why I let the sads creep in. I suppose it’s only natural. It’s also temporary.