HEALTH UPDATE: Some days I’m great. Some days I say out loud, “I feel like I am a cancer patient”. I have had increasing neuropathy lately. My feet are consistently tingly and I’m used to that. Some days, my legs are like jello. I’ve had several viruses, shared by my beautiful daughter and her peers at school. I pray it’s the reason for some more intense fatigue. My hemoglobin has been on the low side, just below normal, for a few months. Overall, nothing earth shattering. Unless, of course, you are completely insecure and a traumatized cancer patient that is easily triggered by the slightest tingle of health abnormality. But I digress. Today is spa day. We shall see what the labs reveal.
Thanksgiving! It’s that time of year! Thank you cancer for teaching me to slow the fuck down. Thank you for showing me that things will get done when they get done. Yes. I’m still running full throttle at times. When I run out of gas though, I stop. I have worked hard to overlook the things that in the past, would drive me absolutely nuts. The house isn’t spotless the day before thanksgiving?! No?!!! Oh my gawd!! So what. The list of things to do goes on. Tom is being a super hero trying to close the gap and help out with the list. I tried to assure him when I left for treatment this morning that it can all wait. The laundry, the pumpkin cheesecake, the cleaning. Take care of our girl. That’s all that matters.
It’s a full house today at the cancer clinic. My heart sinks. This bothersome trend of so many people with cancer gives me pause. There are a few wise crackers in the crowd. My pager was sounding sicker than anyone in the room and I could tell we all thought the same thing. Smiles abounds. The man beside me in the lab, when asked his name, proudly declared he didn’t have one! Loud laughter corner to corner of this wide open lab room. Stories of thanksgiving plans and traditions circulated around the lab as we all were poked and tested for this and that. Then! An anonymous donor had gifts for patients! I do not know what the gift was but it was in a handsome bag with tissue. I kindly declined. My gift is really to know that someone not as lucky as me could have the gift. For the first time that I can remember, the entire scene was one of laughter with a craving for normalcy. It was mostly heartwarming with just a touch of sadness. Only because we all know there is nothing normal about why we are there. F cancer.
I’m finished meeting with my doctor. It went well. My labs results are acceptable for treatment #48!!! Forty Eight. Wow. It’s incredible and horrifying all at the same time. I recently saw someone on tik tok talking about cancer patient titles. Are you a survivor? A fighter? Warrior? Lifer?! I think all can apply but at the end of the day, I’m a lifer. I’m guessing I’ll have some kind of maintenance for the rest of my life. It’s just a guess. Honestly? I don’t mind at this point. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. I’ve been trying to think of an alternative to ringing the bell for us lifers. I suppose the prize of life is more than any of us lifers could ever want.
The wait for my treatment today is long. There are so many people here waiting. I’m praying for everyone and hoping they have a relaxing and meaningful thanksgiving. I wonder if they will go through the same things I go through during the holidays. The combination of bliss and never wanting the holidays to end. Praying it just can’t be the last one. Some may say that’s pretty deep. They would be right. It’s deep and it’s real. It’s a good reason to make it count!
Happy thanksgiving everyone!