HEALTH UPDATE: Scan week! I really need to count how many I’ve had. I’ve been blessed with the word “stable” for months on end. Will tomorrow continue the trend? Followed by my 46th, or is it 47th? immunotherapy miracle concoction infusion on Wednesday. Who’s counting anyways? I’ve had pretty consistent challenges, which in perspective are all mild in nature. Mentally, it’s a different story.
As with my stable condition, I feel like my draw to this blog, my outlet, is pretty consistent. I reach a plateau of emotions and I must just get it out. It’s been some time since I’ve written and I have so much to share. I’ve been a social experiment as well as medical. As time goes on, there is a pattern to see. There are answers to questions that months ago seemed impossible to answer. There are just observations as well.
I’ll start with the questions. Why does my heart sink when my birthday approaches? It’s a total mind fuck. Yay! I’m still here! But wait, will it be my last? I’d rather just let the day slip on by with no hurray. I’d rather take the birthday excitement and sprinkle it out evenly over all the other days of the year.
Why can’t I put my finger on my unsettling feeling to the common statement “We are all going to die someday”? It’s totally true! We are! How do I possibly explain why it feels different for me? I’ve had two dear friends die since my diagnosis. Without notice and forever, they are gone. My first thoughts, why not me? I finally figured it out. My friends had no warning. I have an alarm bell living rent free in my head every day. Cancer. For me, it’s a slow and lingering vision of my future. I could still get hit by a bus. It would be fast and unexpected…but cancer….it plays out over and over in my mind.
I have become quite attached to many content creators on social media in the cancer community. They are so brave as they post their struggles and also their wins! Like me, but in a different format, they let it all out. The good, the bad and the ugly. It’s sometimes so relatable. They are just people, looking to live another day. Sadly, some do not make it. A recent friend was fine a few months ago. The cancer returned and within weeks she’s gone. It’s reality. It’s what patients and families go through every single day. Fuck cancer! I really hate you! Like, REALLY! RIP Berkley.
This could possibly be the most dreaded and depressing post I’ve done. But hey, I keep it real, right? This brings me to my observation after nearly three years of riding this roller coaster. If I were to describe this experience it would look something like this. Sick and confused. Diagnosis and walking through the valley with tears and flowers while 100% accepting that I will be going home to my Lord soon. Unexpected recovery and pure bliss. Who cares about anything? I’m alive! Hey wait, how long is this going to last? That’s ok, I’ll just live day to day! Oh but now there are realities in life like paying bills and working. What do I do? Who am I anymore? I’m crippled with doubt and how to live like a normal person. I’ve been coasting for months. So busy but with what? Feeling pressure to make every day count! OMG! I won’t lie. I’ve even asked myself, what would have happened if I just had died when I was supposed to? That is hard to write but it’s the truth. Life is hard.
Well, there are some good signs I’m pulling out of this latest phase. It’s taken lots of time but I’m prioritizing things better and even feeling motivated to move forward with some new adventures and goal setting. GOALS! I’ve never set goals! But I’m a different person now than I once was. I’m incredibly grateful for this life, for friends past, present and future and for the beautiful world of science that has kept me alive. Cheers to you, cheers to me. Cheers to discovery of answers and piecing together this crazy thing we call life! In the end, it will all work out. This I know for sure.