Today

Health Update: Scan was completed November 30th, 2021 and remains stable! Many times the report does not list specific dimensions of the tumor monster. This one did. Comparing it to last year in November, it has actually continued to shrink around a cm or so. Immunotherapy treatment #31 completed December 1, 2021.

Ramblings….

Today is a day of reflection. To even be here to reflect blows my mind. Some days I need to focus on being. Just for a moment. Being. Being here. Is it real? I don’t know what death looks like. Maybe it’s like life and you think you are on earth but you are not. With much certainty, I’ve determined that I’m still here. Lol.

It was two years ago today that my world turned upside down. I was sitting in a pedicure chair, desperate to calm myself from the grueling wait for my biopsy results. I knew it was nearly certain to be cancer but I did not expect the results. These were the last moments of my prior life. A good life. A life I cherished but now know I did not fully understand. While my feet soaked, my doctor called to notify me of my death sentence. My mind and body was devastated from the inside out. Heavy tears. It must be a misunderstanding. Not that kind. Not Pancreatic cancer. No. No. No. But it was.

And so it began. In the beginning, the news continued to worsen. The best chance for survival was surgery. Surgery was not an option back then and is still not today. I was given a grim prognosis that I’ve replayed in my mind more times that I should. Months, not years. Well TODAY!!! TODAY!!! Today surpasses years. Technically speaking. Yesterday was one year and 364 days from diagnosis. Today is two years! YEARS!!YEARS, meaning multiple, more than one. Glorious years. I’m still here. I’m so lucky.

To explain my emotions of these past two years it would be easiest to explain it as including every emotion known to humankind. Naming a few: fear, doubt, despair, sadness, concern. love, hope, encouragement, disbelief, determination, gratefulness and appreciation! I seriously would not be here without my support system. How do you thank so many people? Thank you. Thank you God.

I think of how much has changed in these two glorious years. Changes are no stranger to so many. Covid has changed so much of how we live! From home schooling to wearing masks, limited socializing and so much cooking at home!! Solo appointments. I’m lucky I had no issues going by myself for my appointments. My sickest times, when I needed emotional and physical support the most, was just months before covid hit the fan. It was in the waiting rooms, watching eyes, where I was inspired to start my podcast.

I cannot adequately express how it feels to reach out to people on my podcast. Just to be there. To listen if someone wants to talk. I love to have guests with a their own stories of experiences and expertise. My own blabbing has always been satisfying for me too. Lol. Depending on the day, I’m either goofing around or I’m talking straight from the heart. I care. I hate what cancer does to people. To families. It’s rough. For the tough times, there are gentle times on the podcast. There is zero pressure. No pressure on me. No pressure on my family and friends to listen. It’s there. That’s it.

I meet many of my guests on social media. It’s pretty amazing and I had no idea that there really is a cancer community out there! I’ve met and followed people around the world! We all poop! We all can get cancer! We all know people we love that can get cancer! We all have hearts! The outpouring of support given and taken on a daily basis online is incredible and inspiring. All of these things that I’ve learned about living with cancer has made my heart full.

I have lived quite a bit in the past two glorious years. From homeschooling and backyard camp outs to rappelling off the 14 story Hilton, it’s been a wild ride! I still have organizing to do and I’ve decided to change my funeral plans completely. I continue to mother and smother my sweet girl. She’s 7 now! She’s lost teeth and is talking and acting like a pre-teen! I’m so grateful to be here for her. I think of all I should have missed and it’s a really strange feeling. The time spent with family. Willow’s first day of real school. Little things. I also think of Walter. I think of Wild Connie. Both so dear to my heart and both taken without warning. I was supposed to die, not them. They both inspire me to live my best life.

My heart and mind overflow as I look back at my very different life that started two years ago to this date. A new life that has certainly had its dark times but has opened my heart wide open to a beautiful, bright and hopeful outlook full of love and appreciation. ❤️