HEALTH UPDATE: Doing well. Same issues of fatigue and weakness in the legs but I can deal with that. Next treatment is in a few days. I think it is #32?
I’ve got writers block. I’ve wanted to blog for a long while now. I don’t know what to say. I mean seriously, what the hell? I’ve got spaghetti brain. It’s been difficult to try and sort through my life these days. My thoughts and feelings are all tangled up and swirling together like a big ole plate of pasta. I’ll just go with the random thoughts on my mind these days. Here we go.
It’s been more than two years now since my diagnosis. I am grateful and blessed beyond measure. I can’t tell you what it means to look into my daughters eyes and soul and just APPRECIATE that I am still here to see her grow. Her changes are plenty in these past two years. We laugh and we struggle. We cry and snuggle. It’s a dream for me, really. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and here I am, momming like a maniac! Here is the shitty thing about cancer. I’ll be having these tender moments or even moments of pain and then I remember. I’m not supposed to be here.
Live in the now! That’s what is suggested and oh do I ever live in the now. But on a daily basis the past and future chase me. I’m convinced I’ll never get away from them completely so I need to figure out a way to handle these haunting thoughts. Suddenly, as I write this, I’m remembering my own advice from posts past. Embrace! Embrace these fears in order to accept them and make them feel more like a buzzing fly than the sky is falling. This is a tall order. I mean thinking constantly that you don’t know when the cancer will rage again is something I don’t know if I can ever wave away. It’s not a fly. It’s my life. It’s the lives of my family. But for now I’m here and it is beautiful.
I have a huge scan coming up. March 13th will mark two years since my first dose of my miracle concoction of immunotherapy. My oncologist says that the trial lasts two years. We have talked a few words about what happens after that. I suspiciously wonder how many people have actually made it two years on a trial drug. She said once that she had a lung patient remain stable for two years. One patient. She didn’t mention lots of patients being stable for two years. She made a specific comment about ONE patient making it two years. Over thinking, commence! This confirms for me how lucky I am. My future will be a hot topic at my appointment on Wednesday. For months my appointments have become more of a social event. We go over symptoms and nearly flawless labs and we talk about our lives. I’m happy to be able to give my doctors a smooth visit. I can only imagine what their workload is like. This week will be different. We will talk about scheduling a pet scan. This scan will be of my entire body and I will glow in places where cells are multiplying quickly, indicating active cancer. We will all be on pins and needles to see how this two year trial ends. Is there live cancer? Is it all scar tissue? Did we kill the tumor monster? Is it sleeping? Did it spread it’s nasty claws anywhere else in my body? Honestly, I feel like grabbing some popcorn. I seriously am outside of my body watching a suspense movie. Personally, I think there is a 10% chance the cancer is completely gone. I think there is a 30% chance it has spread. It would have to be in my head or limbs because everywhere else has been scanned regularly. I think there is a 95% chance that nothing will surprise me. I’m thankful that I don’t really have scanxiety. I am just beyond curious! How can any news be scarier than being told you have months to live? I’m STILL WINNING NO MATTER WHAT! (Yes, I’m yelling, lol). Stay tuned for scan updates. Once we see the scan we will assess where things are at. Exciting, isn’t it?
Besides the chatter inside my head and the future scan, I’m finding myself back to living full throttle but in different ways. I’m forever grateful for being well enough to be functional. This cancer experience still inspires me every day. I have found my passion and my purpose. My podcast has brought me so much joy. I love meeting new people. I love getting the word out that nobody has to be alone through all of this. For once in my life I am not trying to beat last years numbers. I don’t need to be a top producer. I don’t need to make x amount of money. I just need to live and be human. I am living the emotional side of a human being’s life now. I am thriving off human interaction and trying to comfort while being comforted in the most amazing way. It feels wonderful until the chatter brings me back to the worry of it all crashing down. This is why the chatter is also telling me to keep going as long as I can. Just calm the negative chatter and keep the scale tipped in the direction of hope.