The now

HEALTH UPDATE: Pretty incredible. Broken toe is healed. Condition is stable. I completed my 29th immunotherapy treatment last week. Time flies when you’re having fun!

Ramblings…

Holy cow. As my two year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis approaches, I continue to be amazed. I am completely flabbergasted at my life. The changes are plenty. How am I still here to tell this story? It’s like I’m living a dual life. In one, it’s life as a self diagnosed hypochondriac as usual. Total paranoia of death at every turn. I imagine medical drama at least once a day. Worrying but thinking I’m ok. In my reality, the diagnosis is real. As soon as the comfort of good health enters my thoughts, it is interrupted by the recurring scans and treatments. I won’t lie it’s so hard.

If I were to reflect, I would first consider all that I am now compared to who I used to be. I’ve always felt good in my own skin. I’ve not lived a perfect life but I’ve lived it on my own terms. I take responsibility for mistakes along the way. I’m proud of accomplishments and have experienced heartache and love that I never knew could exist. It all prepared me for the worst that cancer has to offer. Nothing could have prepared me for all the good. It sounds ludicrous to place a deadly cancer diagnosis in the best life experiences category, right? I look at my life though, and it has changed me, almost completely.

We recently trucked it out to the woods for a family photo shoot. Capturing the growth of our angel girl has always been important to me. Putting her on stage, viewing her beauty and worth is something I can’t put into words. My own own worth, as a mom, is amplified when I think of all we’ve been through together. Looking at these photos is a big deal to me. This year, a pause. A pause between husband and wife in a field while our angel played with a long lost friend, our photographers daughter. We embraced for a photo but it felt like so much more. My husband. My one and only. We’ve lived a life together with so much pain at times. It’s been hard. We haven’t seen eye to eye on almost everything for a long time. But now, in this moment, I’m feeling our love. It’s the same love that I felt on our wedding day but stronger. We won. We are here, together. I don’t want to ever leave this embrace. This feeling. Ever.

This is where everything becomes complicated. The happier I am in this life, the more I never want to leave. Please Lord, please! I can’t leave!

The struggle is real. I’m stretched between the absolute best times and my mind pulling me towards my mortality. It really makes for one bat shit crazy argument inside my head. Enjoy! Live in the now! But when will it end? What is around the corner? How long do I have? They said “months”. It’s almost been two years. Take what you get. Appreciate. It’s hell not knowing. The longer I’m enjoying, the less time I have left. Right? No? We don’t know. Does anyone know? No.

I have a response for both beliefs. Back and forth. Over and over. Every day. Inside my head. Most days the positive thoughts are in the lead. Ironically, the really good days are when the doubts creep in. The good days are so good, I never want it to end. I’ve had a lot of really good days recently. I need to take it for what it’s worth, enjoying each breath. Pray for me as I struggle to stay in the now.

The now is such a beautiful thing.