Ramble of all rambles

HEALTH UPDATE: Same. Treatment next week.

Ramblings….

I’ve got spaghetti brain. I cannot pinpoint the topic of this ramble. I’m thinking it will consist of many different topics. It could turn into the ramble of all rambles. I never quite know when I start writing how long it will be. I almost always know the topic I’m reaching for. The situation that inspires me. Today though, I’m going with an inner drive without clear explanation. Let me begin.

I miss my blogging. I know it’s dropped off considerably. My life has just been so ordinary! Although the world today has been anything but ordinary, I’ve adapted quite well. Now that Tom and I are vaccinated we are venturing out a bit more. We still play it safe. One of the happiest changes we’ve made is taking Willow to parks again. Her face. Her smile!! It melts me. So much has changed in the last year and a half. SO MUCH.

I recall quite clearly that when I was so physically sick, the feelings of doom were overwhelming at times. There was nowhere to hide. I’ve had some new minor physical symptoms lately. They are minor and can be explained as things everyone goes through. Things that certainly don’t mean you have cancer! But I already have cancer!! What does this mean for me? It’s spread? It’s growing again? Like my Dad would say, doom and gloom! Lol!! I just had a scan. It was stable. Was it? Is something being missed?

My expectations have been low. I mean seriously low. Since the day I was told I had months, not years, any extra moment on earth would be a bonus. Extra time didn’t need to be perfect. I don’t need details either. Just keep me alive! The summary of my scans are just fine. At what point do I get my head in the game of survival? When do I pay more attention to the fine print on the reports? What have I learned?

I’ve learned that I need to ask questions. Things can be missed. Listen to my body. It’s hard to ask questions though. If they think I’m just simply stable then so be it! But what if I’m not.

I’m fairly certain that all of this paranoia can be understood when referring to my history of self diagnosed hypochondria. There is another component that shouldn’t be overlooked. Time. School is done. Slide one worry away and another is happy to take its place. I know what I need to do. Acceptance. It is my friend. Why can’t I accept that this is the way it is now? Ding ding ding.

This is SO WEIRD! Nearly every single time I write, I experience some type of epiphany. Almost. Every. Time. I know this will sound crazy to most, but for me, I’m yet again learning to understand what the hell is going on in my mind. Up until this moment, I thought my hypochondriac ways were over. I came to the final stage! I was diagnosed with what I feared most! What else would there be? It was a sense of relief to finally get past the constant fear of finding out I have cancer. No more worries about worrying.

Well I’ll be damned! It’s back! Isn’t it ironic? So let me break it down. It started with numbing fear of getting cancer. I get cancer so there is no longer need to worry anymore. One less thing to worry about. I survive. The cycle starts all over. I worry I will no longer be stable.

This is not as dyer as it may sound. Am I concerned for my life? Yes. Do I get scanxiety? Yes! Horribly! BUT. I have been through this before. at least I know now what is on the line. It’s my life. All the same positive thoughts apply and they are: Trust God’s plan. What is meant to be, will be. Fight like hell. Never ever give up.

This ramble was helpful to me. I never know how it will come out, but it does. It’s pretty neat. Once again I feel so lucky to have found a way to figure things out. It’s so consistent!! I’m also realizing that I do need to start therapy again. Lol.