Scanxiety

HEALTH UPDATE: The miracle continues. I had my scans done today at 9 am. The results are in and they are stable. No changes. No changes!!!!! No. Changes. This thrills me. I’ll take it. Labs and treatment tomorrow.

Ramblings….

I wish what I tell myself and others was reality. All of the talk I do about being strong. It is what it is. Acceptance. All of my coping strategies. They were nowhere to be seen today. Why? Why?? WHY??

Just the thought of going backwards. Being severely sick. My beautiful life interrupted. In a rare moment today, I just could not take it. I let the torture of the unknown take me down. How can I possibly do this for the rest of my life? I crumbled like a cookie. I debated a lady in the waiting room about Brett Favre!!!! My smiles were forced. I was physically exhausted. I cried all the way home from my scan at the hospital. I almost drove by my cemetery plot that I bought over a year ago. I just wanted to lay there on my forever dirt and cry. Nope. Not today. Sharp left.

I went home. Something inside snapped me out of it long enough to remember something. Get help. You need it. Go get it. I surprised Willow. She didn’t realize how soon I’d be home today. I snuggled with her on her bed and we didn’t say a word. I held her for many minutes. Her innocence and love stuck to me like glue. No matter what the results, I was healed.

Shortly afterwards, I made my late breakfast. I started stalking mychart for results. Certainly they won’t be available for many hours. I was wrong. There they were. Stable. No metastasis. More time. More time for me. This miracle has to be for a reason!! It inspires me greatly. Everything is more beautiful than yesterday and the day before that. I’m so grateful. I’m so lucky. I wonder if the results were worse, would my affirmations kick in? I’m not sure. All I know for sure is that on this day, it doesn’t matter.