HEALTH UPDATE: I just keep going!! Stable! Pain lingers but it’s an easy trade for life. Treatment number who knows what next week!!
My urge to write is strong today. I admit it. I watch real housewives of New Jersey. There is a dinner scene. A packed restaurant. The wives are all glammed up. They are seated wearing face masks. Glaring white paper masks, like the ones required at the hospital or doctors office or perhaps that a restaurant may enforce at the door. They sit down with a smirk as they remove the inconvenient mask. Martinis for everyone!
I was diagnosed about 2-3 months before the covid crap hit the fan. I was catching colds that Willow brought home from school. At this time, I was being treated with chemotherapy and even a common cold was potentially dangerous for me. It was at a time when I had never been more sick because of cancer. When covid came, and schools started closing, it was a no brainer. We sadly needed to keep her home. We needed to lockdown. I was already fighting one deadly disease. My risk was high for complications with covid.
I have restrained from posting about covid. It has divided this great nation of ours. I read opinions. I have a general knowledge of the extremes of both “sides”. There are the people that are against masks and vaccines. They don’t want to social distance. Live life! Gather, go out, etc etc etc. My life, my choice. Let me tell you what it’s like to be the complete opposite. While fighting cancer.
I haven’t complained out loud about not remembering the last time I hugged my mom. Christmas 2019 maybe? The last time I hugged my brothers. My sisters. My friends. I don’t complain out loud. I don’t say anything because if I complain, I know some people think that it’s my problem and if I’m afraid to catch covid then just stay home! That’s what I have done. For over a year. With cancer. Being told I have months to live. So much for a bucket list. It feels like I’m being chased down. By cancer. By covid. Without the touch of family and friends. I don’t want to sound weak. I don’t want to whine. I must be STRONG.
I’ve tried everything to make it easier for my girl. This has been hard on her too. Unlimited water balloons, chalk art, backyard camping, skating “rink”, pretty school and play space, driveway parties, etc!! I will admit it is a blessing in disguise to be with her 24/7. I hope she remembers this time we’ve had together! I pray for my time to continue. I need to show her MORE. I need to take her out of our small world.
I’m lucky. I’m still alive. I cried a lot when I was first diagnosed. All the pressure of adjusting my thoughts to what dying would be like. Willow. Willow. Willow. I still can’t go there. The incomprehensible pain of leaving her is one thing I cannot talk about freely.
My purpose of this post is not to change minds. That won’t happen. I know and accept this. My purpose is to share the gut wrenching pain of being away from family and friends when I need them more than ever before. It hurts like hell. It’s been really hard.
I’ll have my second vaccine shot on April 22nd making my fully vaccinated day May 6th. I cannot wait to hug and be hugged again!