Coffee cake

HEALTH UPDATE: It’s scan week! I’m stable! More prayers answered. Labs are perfect too! God is good.

Ramblings…

Yep. Scan week. Results are stable. I’m so relieved. Would I love to see improvement? Of course. But I’m cautious and grateful for anything that doesn’t include the words worse, spread or growing. This is yet another real time blog post. I’m checked in at the lab. Waiting for my pager to go off. I remember when a pager like this meant a blooming onion was in my future. The pager. A sign of a relaxing sit down dinner with my husband. With friends and family. It’s been so long. Stop it. I’m not going there today. I’m coming into this appointment today with a stable scan, awesome music and an attitude of fierce bravery and determination. Let’s do this!! Cancer is going to take a hit today. I’ve got my gloves on!!!

It’s busy today. So many masked faces. Everyone has a story. I’m realizing I’m obsessed with knowing what their stories may be. How are they like mine? How do they cope? Am I just distracting from my own situation? I don’t know how any of them could be as lucky as me. That makes me feel horrible. For the people struggling…I know. I know. I’ve been there. I don’t know where I’m going but if I’m living in the now I would say life is nearly perfect. I pray for the people who are struggling. I pray for their family and friends! I’m with you. I am with you!

I respect the choice to stop treatment. It’s your life. Of course you have the choice! In my opinion, and with my faith, I believe the after life will be more magical than could ever be imagined. You can’t lose! You either continue on with your earthly life or move on to heaven. For me, it’s the ones I leave behind that breaks my heart and gives me the will to fight. I hope they know I’m fine wherever I go when it’s time for me to go. When will that be? Nobody knows. For now, I’m not giving up.

The photo above is a reminder of what cancer did to me. It’s shocking to see how far I have come. I’m glad I didn’t give up. It’s not impossible to be the victor against cancer, even if just for months or years. I won’t know the rest of my story until it happens. It’s day by day. Scan by can. Blood test by blood test. I’m getting closer to accepting this. My heart races a little less each time I am tested. Then I worry that I’m getting too complacent. Don’t get too relaxed! Doom and gloom could be around the corner!! I do realize that it is really stupid to worry about worrying. Lol!!!!

It’s hard not to go back to last year at this time. My life will never be the same since then. MY LIFE. Those two words are a big part of that. I still have a life! So obvious yet SO complex! My new life started on April 2, 2020. It was the day I woke up and my first thought was coffee cake! I was hungry and I had energy. Two things I had not felt since starting chemo a few months prior. I found a recipe. Whipped it up and ate a few pieces. The next thing I noticed…NO fever. One full day without any Tylenol! Two days, then three. So on and so on. The rest is history.

I really don’t want to keep going back but I also can’t help but reflect. It leaves me in awe of all that is still so good in this world. I’m still confused as to why I’m so lucky.

I’m in my recliner waiting for treatment! My labs are perfect. My Doctor and I have the same look and feeling of disbelief as we had at the last appointment. I ask questions this time. Usually, I’m fully satisfied with the status quo. I’m not usually concerned about past scan findings that haven’t ever been mentioned again or projections of my future. This time is different. I need clarification of my stage and other trouble spots that were mentioned at one time or another. I’m curious even though none of the answers will change anything. I’m still stage III. We don’t know what my future holds. There are no other trouble spots. Every blemish of every gland, surface, lymph node, artery, organ and otherwise is mentioned on the ct reports. My doctor knows which ones are of concern and which ones are not. Besides the arteries blocked with clots and who knows what else, the diminished tumor monster is the only one of concern. I kind of feel sorry for it. It’s just like us. Just trying to survive. Everyone hates it. We just want to kill it. I hate it too. I want to kill it as well….but I also want to thank it. It changed my life.