SO MUCH

HEALTH UPDATE: Woah. Still the same! Scan coming up on March 22nd. I’m praying for stable results. I’m completely satisfied with stable. No need to get greedy. The snow has melted leaving a clear path to walk. I’m ecstatic but my knee is angry. It is getting close to pursuing treatment. PT continues to decrease muscle and joint pain!

Ramblings….

Where to begin? I’ve got major spaghetti brain! I’m ready to stick a fork in my ear. SO MUCH going on. Let’s start with the covid vaccine. I’m eligible March 29th and really excited to have my turn. I’m thrilled with the thought of feeling safe. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel completely safe but just that glimmer of hope is really something to savor.

One year ago I had my first immunotherapy treatment. It seems like yesterday. How could it be an entire year? So much has happened. I’m still here. That happened. In a lot of ways I feel like I have ptsd. If it wasn’t a common side affect of pancreatic cancer patients, I could easily say that my diagnosis scared the shit out of me. Bad poop joke, lol. That issue has been long gone. Fevers, gone. Weight loss, really gone. Fatigue, anemia, stomach pain. Gone. All gone. I am blessed, thankful and oh so grateful.

I push those feelings aside to make room for the grief that still exists from the loss of my dad. He passed 8 years ago on March the 15th. How on earth could that be? I still replay that day. I picked up a plastic bowl and a bunch of fruit on my way to hospice that morning. It was a food fest as we sat with our deteriorating dad. Snacks, cookies, cakes, bars. Feel good food to make the pain go away, if only for a few bites. There was a request for something healthier. I filled the order and dropped the bananas when I got the call while still on my way that his time was near. Very near. It wouldn’t be long. But it was long. He waited until 7 pm that evening. He waited for his priest to arrive. He waited for one final earthly blessing. F cancer!!! I miss him.

I’ve been amazed at the weather. The snow has disappeared in the blink of an eye. I’ve been watching the mulch under our crabapple tree. I’m watching for a few special sprouts. I planted lilly of the valley last spring with Willow. I remember being crushed with the thought that I wasn’t going to be here to see if they returned. Here I am. I sense my next challenge. The reminders of a time bomb of mortality. Ticking at my soul for months. It almost broke me down completely. Now it’s the memories. Thank you blog for helping me to write this out and make sense of it all. I know what to do. Quit rehashing. You are still here. Act like it!

I’m enjoying my podcast project more than I could ever have imagined. I’ve got 3 episodes recorded and ready to go. I need a few more before publishing. I have also signed up to raise funds for Gilda’s Club of Madison. I will go over the edge and rappel 14 stories at the Hilton in Madison on August 15th. I’m surprised that I do not feel one ounce of fear. I think it may come as I’m looking down? Right now I’m PUMPED! I pray to be here and healthy to complete my mission. To anyone that would like to support this wonderful organization: https://runsignup.com/Race/86469/Donate/O3kVjhhVXmyuGA6y

I wish I could share my many blessings with those that need them. I will pray for all and continue to be grateful.

Published by cathy@hellocancerfriends.com

Wife, mother, cancer fighter and lover of life!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: