Happy 2021!

HEALTH UPDATE: Same! Muscle and joint pain but overall good! Next appointment, including ct scan, will be 1/20/21.

Ramblings…..

Here I am again. Sitting in the waiting room at the Carbone Cancer Clinic. It’s starting to feel routine. It’s almost certain that I will play out this routine for the rest of my days. Highs and lows. Mostly lows when I get here. In the waiting room. I would guess every fellow warrior that I see has it worse than me. I feel fine. Except for the crippling leg pain. I cannot stand without using my arms to get up. Weird. My prognosis is a question mark. The odds on paper are horrific but I’m different. Everything about my cancer seems to be different. It’s turning out to be a very good thing.

I wonder where everyone else is in their journey. The man just called back to his room must be a salesman. He looks terrific. There are only two other people waiting. One lady has a double mask. Smart. I considered that but I like to breath. Another gal is running low on oxygen. Omg. Can you imagine? She asked if there was somewhere that she could connect to get more. The receptionist sounds like she’s never been asked this before. She leaves to ask a nurse. It’s depressing here. It brings me back to reality. I still cannot believe I have pancreatic cancer.

I’ve been waiting about 10 minutes. My appointment isn’t for another 40 minutes. I had my labs drawn so waiting for results. I’m not as anxious about checking for the results as I was last time. Quite honestly, I’m kinda thinking….f it! It is what it is! Uh oh. That’s not my normal go get em spirit. I woke up happy and confident. I’m in full motivational cancer gear. It’s like game day for cancer! Jeans, “I am loved carbone strong” t shirt, f cancer bracelet, heart bracelet, brave as f necklace and my beloved heart cross necklace made with love by sister Melanie. I’m wearing so much support. Why the sads? Probably because cancer sucks shit.

I’m starting to feel anxious. Results. I’m starting to feel angry. F it! What does this mean? I might be getting sick of this. Am I ungrateful? I don’t think so. I’ve just spent so much time being thankful and grateful that I’ve given cancer a pass. Cancer does not deserve a pass! It’s mean and awful and it’s really ticking me off today. Mad phase.

That felt good. I’m going to shut my eyes now. I’ll clear the negative energy from my heart so there is room for more thanks. Better. Now I’m going to check for results. It’s like waiting in line to ride the demon at great America. Heart is excited. Nervous. And…..I’m fine. LABS. LOOK. AWESOME!

I’m a miracle! A M I R A C L E !!!! Maybe someday I’ll get used to this crazy life. For now I’m still continuously shocked and relieved. While I wait for my miracle concoction I will count my blessings and attempt to organize some thoughts for my future. As much as I have enjoyed life and lived to the fullest since my diagnosis, I think there has always been an asterisk. *months, not years. I’m beginning to consider believing there could be more. Maybe even reversed? Years, not months? I can’t go there. My heart is too tender. The smoke is starting to billow from my ears though. To live such an incredible and miraculous life must mean I’m still here for a reason. What is my purpose? I feel like there is something I need to do. I will pray for guidance.

For now, I’m gonna party like it’s almost 2021! Happy new year!!!!!!