Waiting Room

HEALTH UPDATE: All is well. Waiting for treatment.

Ramblings in real time…..

I really just want to hug everyone here at the hospital today. My fellow warriors here at the Carbone Cancer Clinic are looking tired and sad today. We are alone without our cheerleaders. We are distanced. I can only see eyes. I’ve caught the glance of others from across the waiting room. I smile, not knowing if they can tell. We shyly look away. I’m tired today. Do my eyes look sad too? Can they tell I’m smiling at them? Trying to give them warmth? I want to ramble with them but I can’t see their faces. I can’t tell if it would be awkward. I remain quiet but I’m sending eye language that speaks of care and support.

I’ve been moved to the little room where I will meet with my oncologist. I was weighed again and still gaining. I’ve made so many adjustments to my life to stop this from happening. I will continue to do so to grow stronger but I’ll need to accept that my sick weight was artificial. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to that weight again. It may seem like no big deal and I should be grateful I’m not losing. This is not the case. I’m horrified of being overweight. It’s an emotional as well as a physical struggle. Something to keep working on.

I’m nervous. I’m checking mychart over and over for new results as they come in. Cbc looks perfect. Urine. Not so much. Something new that I need to Google. Could be dehydration. It has something to do with my kidneys. Shit. Calm down. Quit self diagnosing. How many times do I need to do this to myself??!! I look back to several other urine results. This is new. Back in June it was noted that it was there but at a normal level. Now it’s high. I need more blood results! Ok. Someone started my tests and then went on break. Damn it. Relax. I’d like to see my creatinine and lipase please. Once those are confirmed normal and I move on to treatment all in the moment will be well.

Why do I do this? WHY?! All is well. Lipase (tumor marker) normal. Creatinine. Normal. The only thing still normal but only by a hair that catches my eye is chloride. Quick google. Bam! Dehydration! That’s easy enough. I’ll drink more water today! I’ll drink it all damn day long!!! Ahh. A window to the inside of the thoughts of a crazed and insecure hypochondriac with cancer. Laugh or cry? I don’t know. Let’s see what the expert says. As I am fully aware, my assessments are almost always wrong. Lol. I’ve got a lot going for me today though. I can feel it.

I’ve heard my doctor coming down the hall. She always has the click click clicks going on. Psych. She goes into a room across the hall. I hear her accent. Hello! She must be busy. She’s behind today. Hopefully she can catch up when she meets with me. I’m so easy now. I hope to rehash our thanksgiving days and touch base on Christmas plans. I should have brought her a gift today. She is like family to me now. She is off for my next appointment on 12/30. Good for her. I won’t see her again after today until next year! Cheers to 2021.

I’m still waiting. I suspect I’ll be cleared to have my miracle concoction today. Ooh. Door opens. Click click? Yes…….

I’m right! Possible dehydration! Everything else is “perfect”. Only disappointing news is that my doctor thought I was always thin. She thinks now that my body is going back to its baseline. This produces feelings that are hard to admit. I liked being thin. I hate being overweight. I. Hate. It. My metabolism hates me. It’s cursed me for years. Of course I’m grateful to be here. This is just something that I’m so sick of battling. What do I have to do? It’s sad that the only way I can get to the “normal” weight on the BMI scale is to get cancer. I know gimmicks wont work. No pills. No carb less sugar less diets. They will only work temporarily. I firmly believe that exercise and a healthy diet is the only sustainable option for me. Tom is reading this and I know exactly what he’s thinking…..”honey…..it’s the chocolate chips and the cookies!”. He won’t say it out loud though. All right. I’m going to tackle this recurring issue head on. I shall call it the blob. I will embrace the battle of the blob. After the holidays. Lol. Yeah. I know. I just don’t want to have guilt throughout Christmas. I will still be mindful. The more I gain, the more I’ll need to lose.

Forever being mindful of the many gifts my life has given, I’ll appreciate my struggles but will be forever grateful for this life. This Christmas. My God. My family. My friends. I pray for all on the planet. May you find peace and safety this holiday season and always.