HEALTH UPDATE: I feel like crap! There really are no answers but I suspect the chemo was actually taking care of some of my symptoms. I had my last treatment 2/12 with the home chemo bomb until 2/14. I haven’t had chemo so I can be “clean” and free of any other drugs for when I start immunotherapy. I am scheduled to start this Friday, 3/13!
Last Friday I went to UW Hospital for lots of tests. MRI (eeeeee…ewwwwww….bang, bang, bang! eeoooooo, eeeeoooooo, eeeeeooooo!!!!), CT Scan, labs, etc. I failed the hemoglobin test, otherwise I haven’t heard anything about the others so assuming they are acceptable. They added on a blood transfusion to my day last Friday. I’m going in today to get hemoglobin retested.
This has been a rough time period for me. I’m sick feeling. Fever. Exhaustion. Tummy pain. We all know what happens to me when I feel sick. I get depressed and cry a lot. I’m so depressed that my body won’t do what my mind wants to do. So many worries. I never liked the idea of zero treatment for any amount of time. Well here we are. Nearly 30 days with zero treatment. My mind is going wild. Is it growing? Spreading? Am I doomed? I’m getting all my old symptoms back. They are similar to the ones with chemo but worse.
Immunotherapy. Sister Melanie is doing her very best to help me through this. This treatment is our saving grace. It is our GAME CHANGER as my oncologist has described it. I am scheduled to start in two days. Why can’t I feel the excitement? Why doesn’t it make me happy? Why doesn’t it take away the paralyzing sadness that I’m feeling? I’m insecure. Too many failures. Failures in life? I appreciate my failures in life though. That is how I have learned so much. Failures in a medical sense. Tom and I went through 13 cycles of fertility treatments. I have bum ovaries. They all failed. They failed for a reason. The best reason of my life. They failed because if they didn’t, Willow would not be my daughter. The difficult time before Willow became our daughter was as painful as my life has ever been to this point. Keep trying, be positive, not good enough. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Thirteen times. Is this why I’m so hesitant to have confidence and believe I will not fail? The chemo failed too. I’m running low on options. Long story short. I don’t feel good and I’M FREAKING OUT!
Now for the good news. I feel a twinge of something this morning that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I’m not sure what it is but it doesn’t make me cry! It might be…..HOPE?! I think it might be. I know it’s something positive. It isn’t strong but I’m praying to God that this feeling grows and grows. We have a few green plants popping up in the yard. Spring is a time for growth and renewal of all things beautiful. Leaves. Warm fresh air. Flowers. Easter. Hand in hand walks. I’m feeling like I’m becoming more able to talk myself out of this depression as I tune into this faint feeling. Why on earth would I want to be so sad when I can be hopeful and outside enjoying the warm sun? I need strength. Praying for strength. It’s critical right now.
This tug of war between despair and hope is ongoing. I’ve been told I have problems asking for help. Nothing could be more true. I’m independent! I’m the helper! I can do whatever I set my mind to. At this moment I find myself struggling. I can’t do it all alone this time. I ask you for your prayers. Please pray that my hope grows and grows. I know how important it is to be positive. I’m currently losing that battle but it’s not over. I will always FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!
I love you and thank you all from the bottom of my heart!