When survival isn’t enough

HEALTH UPDATE: By the Glory of God, I remain stable. I will have a biopsy on Wednesday to see what’s going on with the tumor monster. Please pray for no complications.

Ramblings…

Happy Easter! A blessed day of praising Jesus and how he died for us and has risen. My heart is full. In between the jelly beans and hidden eggs, the true meaning of Easter offers me inner peace, warmth and love.

I hate to bring this all up on the most glorious day, but it’s kind of the reason why. Why is surviving sometimes not enough? Of all days! It’s a beautiful day. My favorite. Springtime, Jesus has Risen and I’m blessed beyond measure. The truth of it all though, is that cancer doesn’t seem to stop. It doesn’t go away. It can be stable but will it ever be gone? Even if my miracle continues with a cure, is it enough? Why is it that I still have this sinking feeling?

I’m invested now. I know too much. I can’t, and do not want, to rewind the past few years. I’m coming to the realization that for me, survival isn’t enough. There is still sadness. The automatic happiness for just surviving is wearing thin. My eyes have been opened to the pure evil, that is cancer. Not just my own. Hardly my own! The people I’ve met, the stories I’ve read. It’s moved me. It’s made me feel helpless. My friends are dying, experiencing recurrence and being newly diagnosed. It’s unending. Ironically, with my latest round of good results of my own, I’m feeling as though I’m getting sucked into that black tornado in the floor. It’s a dark place where all control is lost. The force is strong but I’m stronger. I have come this far. I cannot let it suck me in.

Wall of protection, activate!! I need to regroup. I need to share what focus I have left with living. I need to redirect. Perhaps pretend, even for a little while, that cancer isn’t part of my life. I try not to deny pain, in general. Reality cannot hide. But maybe if I put it all on the back burner, just for a while, I can energize.

This post is dedicated to my friend Patrick who sadly passed yesterday. We never met in person but we’ve spent the past two years sharing and comparing our journeys with pancreatic cancer. May you Rest In Peace Patrick! you will not be forgotten. I will miss you!! F CANCER!