#34

HEALTH UPDATE: God is so good. Ct scan remains stable, labs are good. I am writing from the infusion chair today at Carbone. Pet scan is ordered and will be scheduled in the next several weeks. There is also a new test on the horizon for me! I’m just learning of it today so I’m not sure of the details but generally, the test will compare the dna from my original biopsy to my blood to determine if there is active cancer in my body! It can be used as a tool down the road to keep an eye out for the cancer getting out of control, instead of waiting months for scans. I’m super excited and looking forward to learning more! It sounds incredible!! I love science!!

Ramblings….

This old dog keeps learning new tricks. I have been having a hard time. This shit is hard!! Duh! What did I expect? I know my feelings are valid. It’s not like they are not warranted. However! It’s about how I handle these feelings. How do I process? When will I trust myself enough to know I will pull through? I think the hard times are a reminder of how good things really are.

As I sit here in the infusion chair, waiting for my miracle concoction, I am reminded how much my outlook has changed. My heart is wanting to hug everyone around me, especially the rookie next door. We are separated by a fabric curtain. I can hear everything. First, someone is describing to the patient what will be infused into his body. Side affects are discussed and which pills to take. Don’t wait to feel nauseous, just take a pill. Awkward jokes are made with a nervous voice. The timer is set, the toxic chemo flows and then there is silence. I really want to pull the curtain and pop my head in. You ok?

Earlier in my visit, I had a few notable occurrences. I was late. I had my whiskey (she takes the edge off), Rachel, draw all my good blood. It’s always so nice to see her. Everyone is amazing. After labs, I proceed to the waiting room for my appointment with my oncologist. My eyes gravitate to a young couple. I can feel the pain on their masked faces. What are they doing here? They are so young? Oh yeah. Cancer does not discriminate. I want to squeeze their hands and tell them it will be ok.

My appointment goes well. We talk more about my future. I’ll be having the pet scan soon and also a new type of blood test. It might just give us an idea of how active my cancer is. It will take about a month to see results. They will be extracting dna from my biopsy! The science is incredible. God bless researchers and doctors.

I’m feeling grateful. I’m feeling compassion for those around me. It amazes me how this experience moves me. I’m so lucky.