HEALTH UPDATE: Doing ok. My 9 week Ct scan will be on Tuesday, followed by labs and treatment on Wednesday. The outcome will be of discussion as we decide what to do next as my two year anniversary of immunotherapy quickly approaches in March.
I’ve struggled in the past few weeks more than I’d like to admit. A fresh reminder that my life, in some ways, is no longer my life. It is now controlled by the tumor monster. I’m not one to normally cave to the monster. I’m the ruler of my castle! Not this unwanted and uninvited intruder! From what I’ve been told though, it will remain the rest of my days. There is no cure. Most days I’m flexible. I can live with this and compromise. This compromise is mandatory as in exchange, I am given life. A life that I love! This love of life grounds me, but the struggle is real. It’s a daily grind of moving past the things I cannot change.
My heart has been heavy. I’m missing my old life.
I want to erase the knowledge of cancer in my body. I want it to be like the good old days of paranoia, not fact. Oh to remember back to all the times I just worried. How easy it was to snap out of it, like waking from a dream. When awoke, it was not truth, just worries. Now I know. The cancer is there. It’s real.
I want my career back. I miss real estate. It was hard. It was challenging and exhausting. Dedication was a must. A good realtor cannot work only when convenient. It is a commitment. One that I can no longer promise. This breaks my heart. Truly. I’m very proud of my work ethic and all I have accomplished. It’s gone now. It’s brought on a feeling of failure for me. I think about it over and over again. How can I make it work? I end up in the same circle of endless frustration that I am not the same person anymore. Just face it! FACE IT! Why does acceptance have to be so hard? Processing, 1-2-3.
With this comes feelings of financial failures. I’ve been perfectly content living on love these past few years. This is somewhat concerning and on my ick list but while I’m prioritizing memories over money, I also struggle with feelings of being irresponsible. I guess it’s all about priorities now. We used to talk about a ranch in the country. Tom was finally on board with the style, I was finally on board with the country. Dreams are fun and this one happens to be very expensive and out of reach now. While cancer hasn’t killed me yet, it has killed some dreams of the future. But has it?
I’m living in cancer purgatory. I don’t know which way this is going and I’m thinking I’ll never know. One day at a time. It’s one of the most difficult things to deal with but mostly with one aspect of my life. My sweet girl. I never imagined I’d see her so big. She’s over 4 feet tall now! We were just talking about training bras! I tend to drop little “mom-daughter” bombs on her now and again. I know she’s young for these talks but I want her to hear it from me so I’ll plant the seeds now, just in case. This little girl grounds me. She continuously brings me back to earth. Over and over again. She is the answer to my questions. My heart is filled with love like no other and I can accept and do ANYTHING!
I love you Willow! Thank you, sweet girl!