HEALTH UPDATE: PT is helping!!!! I still have bad days but I also have noticeable improvement!
Here I am. At the hospital again. I feel guilt for being tired of this routine. I’m teetering on the edge of despising my visits. The worry. The slap into reality walking into this hospital. This place is real life. Everyone wears a mask here. No more faces. Just eyes. It’s the social experiment of a lifetime. Living with cancer during a pandemic.
My slight disdain for this appointment today helps me to almost not care what my lab results reveal. For moments leading to this appointment I do not care. What happens, happens. Tired of caring. It’s been beautifully boring anyways. I just need to go through the motions to satisfy the drug company that is supporting this trial. The drug company that is saving my life. I love this drug company. I’ve been told that they pretty much put the breaks on the study now because a different company beat them to the FDA approval. Science and development of these life saving drugs blow me away. I’m so very grateful.
I feel encouraged immediately upon registration. The smiling eyes are everywhere. The people that help me are amazing. All my friends are at the lab. They welcome me. Take care of me. They offer warm conversation. I leave the lab with a little pep in my step as I feel the warmth of their caring ways. Off to see PA Jenna. It’s not until I’m seated in the waiting room that I remember I have my mychart app to stalk for results. They are slowly coming in. My heart races. I care. I can try to tell myself I don’t care but I’m wrong. This is after all, my life I’m talking about. The results are in and I’m cleared for treatment. I’m thankful but my suspicious eyes focus on a few results that are creeping out of whack. Jenna assures me we are ok. I’m suspicious. This will be in my thoughts until it’s tested normal again.
I have a VIP room today. A window and a glass door! Pretty irrelevant but hey, I’m writing and when I spill it, I really spill it. Lol. What I’m also needing to spill is that I still cannot believe this is happening to me!!! I. Have. Cancer! I feel 60/40 good/bad about cancer. How can someone feel good about cancer? I feel good because I’m proud. I’m thankful. I’m inspired. Praying for continuation of this amazing life.