The best times

HEALTH UPDATE: SAME! Sore as hell but better than being dead. I’m waiting for my suite at UW Carbone Cancer clinic for my treatment today. Labs are looking fabulous! Yessssssssss!!!!!

Ramblings……

I’m so relieved. Everything is looking good here at my immunotherapy appointment. After the last one, I wasn’t going to get all upset and worried without knowing the actual outcome. I did really good! That is, until I sat in that tiny room waiting for my doctor to share my results with me. My self diagnosed hypochondria got the best of me again. It crossed my mind to pull a “Karen” and start bustin heads to get her in quicker. The foot was wagging. Knee bouncing. Mask fidgeting. Click, click, click….footsteps. I know those shoes. Flats. Clickity click flats. My oncologist is beautiful. She dresses very nicely and almost always wears flats. Now I know her shoe sound as she comes to see me. Knock knock….

How are you? No bike accidents? Haaaaa haaaaa, I hang my head in embarrassment. Nope! I tell her I feel like I was just there to see her five minutes ago. She agrees. As she logs in to my information she says the most beautiful words. Your labs look great! Let’s call in the drugs.

I’m settling in nicely to this routine. I’ve heard people talk about “the good years” or the “best times” of their lives. What was your best time? High school? Probably not. For me, I won’t lie. I had a great time in high school. One word, FUN. Okay, two words. PARTY! Lol. Childhood was good for the most part. Yeah…I wasn’t one that likes to be told what to do but I’m glad my parents did and I have many cool memories that mean a lot to me. 20’s? 30’s? Very fun time. Wayyyy too much drinking. Way too much working. I don’t regret either. My 40’s seemed to be when the real drama started. We lost Tom’s dad Lou, Tom’s brother Michael and my dad Carl. We lost our fur baby, john “Cougar” melloncat. Our miscarriage and fertility journey was also beyond heartbreaking . The market crashed, so did my business…no worries, it was temporary. We survived and thrived starting our family with the most amazing little human.

This little human. My girl. She has helped me turn the worst time to the best time! My 50’s!! Cancer does NOT automatically mean it puts your particular century in the loser category. Seriously. I can honestly say my life, right now, is the best time! Despite the cancer. Despite the pandemic and all the worldly problems. Ok, there is a catch. I’ll be honest. If I think about terminal cancer, it becomes “not” the best time…especially when I remember that is what I have.

Lately I’ve been thinking though….so WHAT if my cancer cannot be cured? I mean yeah, it isn’t great but I’m feeling pretty good. I feel better than I have in a long time. It really gives some credibility to doctors and modern medicine. How many pancreatic cancer patients have you heard of that are on a diet? I am! That’s pretty cool although I have ceased ordering oreos for a while. Thoughts and prayers, please? Lol. Another major mind shift in recent weeks for me. Surgery. Who needs it? Upon diagnosis it was my only option. Get rid of it. Save yourself!!! I was paralyzed with fear the day they told me I could not have surgery. It’s amazing how things can change. I’m so grateful. I actually feel that living with a smaller tumor monster would be best for me as long as my labs are good and I’m feeling good. Surgery would be very hard. They will remove a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff!!! Recovery is never guaranteed. I will, of course, rely on what my doctor says is best but at this time, I’d be perfectly fine to carry on just like this. Nothing good is easy though. Time will tell.

For now, I’m in the chair. Waiting for my miracle concoction to arrive so my wonderful nurse can hook it up to my jugular. Life is good!