Grumpy and Grateful

HEALTH UPDATE: I’ve had a low grade fever for 10 days straight. Could be a virus. Could be cancer related. No way to be sure. I went to the ER Sunday to get it checked out. It’s not a bacterial infection. Chest x-ray and labs were all negative.

I was notified yesterday that I will have a full day of scans, MRI and tests all day on Friday in preparation for immunotherapy which they hope to start next week, Wednesday. Please pray I receive final approval and acceptance to participate in this trial.

Ramblings…

I’m really not happy. It’s been rough. If you are looking for a happy, funny feel good post today, this is one you will want to ignore. I’m debating on even throwing this all out there! It can ruin a persons day. I’m here to inspire. Actually, that wasn’t my original intention. When people comment that it inspires I really liked that so I’d love to continue….but….not this post. There is a lot for me to release, mostly due to selfish reasons. It makes me feel better and I’m desperate to get my mo jo back. So here it goes…

This fever. It is making me crazy sad. This is worse than usual. For the immunotherapy I need to be off chemo for 30 days so my last treatment was 2/12/20. It really did make me feel better! I wonder if this constant fever is because of the lack of chemo? There are so many poor souls with the flu, colds and other infection illnesses. Did I catch something? Nothing bacterial. Did I catch a virus? I’ll never know. Doesn’t really matter. I just need to rest and drink liquids. I cannot be sick for immunotherapy! I need to be in tip top shape!

I went to the ER on Sunday. It was a treat to have “Ray” as my nurse. He was kind, caring, smart and he did not mind my ramblings. He has a young daughter. I enjoyed his company and that of Sister Chris, God daughter Ruby and later on Sister Melanie. They are all so caring! They just drop everything and come running. They are great company and it allows Tom to take care of our girl. This is why I like to write. I replay the days I think are horrible and bam!, there are good moments too that are easy to forget when you are wallowing in your own self pity. Thankfully, my ER visit was not 3 days like the last time. I was home by 7 pm! All things bacterial proved to be negative although I’m waiting on a blood culture that takes several days.

I’m going a little crazy about catching a cold or flu. I have to stay healthy. I don’t want to screw anything up or delay immunotherapy because I’m sick. I’m a sitting duck with cancer and no treatment. Is it growing? Is it spreading? I need treatment ASAP. I have decided to quarantine myself. I’m not going anywhere. Oh, except for UW Hospital all day Friday with all the really sick people. Gah!!!

So the real problems? Illness and depression. Whatever is going on, I’m becoming so extremely fatigued that some days I just lay on the couch and moan. This past week has been consistent. Lots of laying, lots of too tired to get up and eat. Lots of dwelling on the situation. This. Is. Cancer. Then my thoughts turn to cancer. What is it doing to me? This can’t possibly be my high spirited, high octane life! But it is. Can’t I have some good days instead of a couple hours? I have cancer! This is going to get worse! I’m getting pulled into the tornado in the floor. Lord, give me hope! I need to be released of this negativity so I can heal! My oncologist is very excited about immunotherapy but I am not. For whatever reason I am doubtful of any resolution. I hate that I feel this way. Make it go away! But I can’t. I need a new scan that shows this bitch has shrunk. I need labs that show levels are now normal. Nothing so far has been hopeful in my eyes except that the tumor monster didn’t get worse. That is NOT going to get me out of this mess! I NEED SOLID HOPE!!!! I need it in the form of a cleaner scan. I need something to go right! BTW, I’m starting to sweat and I need to cut my fingernails because the high rate of speed that I’m typing with nails too long are causing errors. There. I let it out. And here come the tears. It’s a great release of this heavy burden.

I don’t feel guilty for having these feelings. But then I remember that if I didn’t have all of those mutations I wouldn’t even have this opportunity to try something else. Can you imagine? I would have already burned up all my best options. POOF. Thank you Lord for helping me to keep realizing the good in this situation. Once again, my anguish turns to being grateful.