All In

HEALTH UPDATE: Another big week ahead. Meeting with Integrated Health on Monday for information on healing hands and massage therapy. Sounds fun. Tuesday is a big day. Crazy scan at 1 pm along with MRI. This specialty scan (crazy scan) will tell us if I indeed have the COLLISION tumor (more specifically, the neuroendocrine tumor) that Dr. Evan suspects. Friday I will be visiting the Genetic counselor for more tests and information about my mutations. Please pray that the BRCA II mutation is in my tumor only. If it is in my blood my dear siblings will need to be tested as well as their children. Science is amazing. I just hope there are no additional worries ahead.

Chemo treatment #5 was completed last week on Wednesday without a hitch. It wiped me out completely. Chemo day is a day long adventure with labs, appointments and drug infusions. Lots and lots of drugs. By the time I’m done, I’m ready for bed. The cool news? I wake up fresh as a daisy! I’ve been more sleepy this time around but seriously! Still feeling pretty darn good!

As I mentioned in my last update, my oncologist would really like to start immunotherapy. They need to know for sure if the current chemo plan is working or not. Right now the plan will be to retest my Lipase which is a marker that indicates if chemo is working from that prospective. They did not test me for this along the way so we will test again on my next chemo day 2/26 and see where we are at compared to my test from last week. We need a clear picture of the numbers before and after another round of chemo. If my numbers go up (chemo not working) we will most certainly get the trial of immunotherapy going. The scary part of this for me is that I cannot have any treatment for 30 days before the trial starts. I need to be “clean”. I don’t want to be clean! I want to be full of poison to keep the monster at bay! Dear Lord. Please help me to roll with this. Help me to trust. Help me to be strong and fill my worried mind with peace and calm. Please keep my faith intact. I trust your plan. Amen.

Ramblings…

Ummmm….I’m a little at a loss today. I’m feeling guarded and not sure what to say. That’s weird. Do I want to let out my thoughts today? Well I started it now so let’s go. I’m nervous. Waiting. More tests. More uncertainty. Coming off our tour of no miracle cures, it’s wearing on me. It’s different than the black inverted tornado in the floor. It’s not depression. It’s more like, someone please tell me where this is all going. I can’t take the not knowing. I’m impatient. It’s almost forcing me to live like there is no tomorrow. It’s hard not to think that way! I want to be positive and see a long beautiful future! I especially would like to see spring and summer. Like right now. This winter is too cold! Ha!

I can’t imagine leaving this world actually, but I know it is my reality. It is for all of us! None of us know when. But when you are staring at scans, results and the eyes of medical professionals it all changes. Your odds are different now. I’m a gambler. I love playing Texas hold em. I haven’t played in so long but I just loved playing. I’m no pro but I understood, in a general sense, the odds. I also know what a bad beat is as well as the biggest suck out against an opponent. Any card can come on the river! Any card!!! That is where I’m at. I’m ALL IN. I’m the underdog. I’ve got a nut flush draw and any heart on the river will win the hand and keep me in the game. I’ve got outs. Heart, heart, HEART!!!!!!

This poker analogy is dedicated to my dear and most lovely (inside and out) friend Pam that I met playing poker. You have been there for me through all of this and I love you so much.

Although I know I sound dire sometimes, my inner self is also filled with hope, calm and appreciation for all the good in my life. I think it’s just been overruled by the anticipation of the developments yet to come. I know this temporary takeover will once again change for the better. Fight, fight, FIGHT!

Love and happiness to you all!!!