5 years

HEALTH UPDATE: Doing pretty good. Some lab levels remain elevated since my surgery in February. I don’t know if that is normal. I’m scheduled for scans and follow up in December.

Ramblings…

Here I am, again. Writing and sharing. It’s all been a selfish ploy, you know. I never knew what exposing my secret thoughts through writing would do for me. It helps me so much. I thrive from the support I receive. I get heavy thoughts off my chest. The fact that I haven’t written in so long says a lot about my life these past several months. It’s like nothing out of the ordinary ever happened to me.

But it did.

Now, nearly 5 years later, I’m experiencing what most certainly must be PTSD. I cannot shake the memory of Halloween, 2019. It snowed that year! It was so freaking cold. Willow had turned 5 years old the month prior. She wanted to be a Shutterfly Princess. Absolutely no problem. Princess dress, pink wig and a Shutterfly (from the my little pony fame) patch on her dress. She was so cute! Nothing would stop us from trick or treating. I had no idea that night why I was so physically miserable. Sixteen days later, a 22 cm killer tumor would be found in my abdomen.

I’ve told the story of what happened next. It’s been an emotional, spiritual and physical journey like no other. It doesn’t define me but I cannot lie. It has changed me. Forever. I’ve been settling into a normal life now for several months, but something has been missing. I can’t quite put my finger on it but things are different. I’m like a new kid at a new school. I know what to do. I’ve been here before, but every thing looks new. I’m trying to get back into the way of life I used to have. But my likes and comfort levels are different. Some are so laid back and some are extreme. But I keep going. Hoping a new settled feeling will fall into my lap. I mean seriously. It’s not like things are “bad”. I’m a medical miracle after all!

I have not published a new podcast episode in a long while. It is really my passion but trying to live a normal life has other commitments. I do miss it and I will always be grateful for the friends I’ve met. I am not ending the podcast. Just letting the wind blow and seeing where the leaves fall. My heart really does go out to the cancer community and I’ve found a new outlet on tik tok. If you are like me, you think of young people dancing and things like that. I’ve found a lot more purpose on tik tok than I ever thought was possible. The cancer community is strong and I follow many wonderful people sharing their stories.

Recently, I started reading my book on tik tok. I wanted to share my story of hope. I’m realizing now, just a few chapters in, that perhaps reading my story is not the best thing for me right now. I do believe in the many silver linings that cancer has brought to my life. One of those would be boundaries. I am exceptional at setting boundaries for myself. I know love and I know pain. Pain is bad. When it gets too painful, I need to stop what I’m doing and reassess. I know for a fact I never took the time to do this in my pre-cancer life. I’ll be going back to a more simplistic way of sharing hope!

Well, just a few paragraphs in and I can honestly say that I am indeed feeling better. This is my jam! I was going to contact a therapist. I haven’t been seeing anyone and I know when things are starting to feel desperate. I think with the 5 year anniversary coming up, my bright idea of revisiting my story and the constant buzz of recurrence, tests and scans combined are creeping up and creating this disturbance.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. It feels so good to write again!

xoxo