The Next Chapter

Health Update: Are you ready for this update? WOW! I’m still cancer stable as of my last scans in May, 2023. There are lots of weirdo things popping up in my labs and I am following up on each of them with my trusted team. My broken esophagus is still in play. I eat small portions to keep trouble at bay but when it is bad, it’s kind of bad with lots of vomit but oh well. I roll with it. Not much can be done as it just doesn’t squeeze right to get food to my stomach. My glucose has suddenly decided to completely freak out and is pretty high for me. Although I’m not on diabetic medication, I’m pretty sure I could be headed in that direction. I’m sure my pancreas, my insulin creator, is tired. It’s been through so much and still has a 5.9 cm tumor monster clinging to it for dear life (but I have a lot of reasons to think it is dead). I’ve had a recent brain MRI which turned out great, no issues there! SO THANKFUL! Thankful for being stable. Overall, I’m doing great physically. I always feel guilty to complain given my history but aging is real, cancer is real and weird labs…are real! One day at a time! I’m still standing!!!

Ramblings…

This feels so weird!!! It’s been SO LONG! My very trusted method of therapy has been abandoned. Not because I do not need therapy. OMG, I need it almost more than ever. There is so much to share! I honestly don’t know where to begin.

Since my last post in February, I feel like I’ve been so busy. Like mostly everyone, life is just a whirlwind filled with parenting, family, playing, cooking, cleaning, doctor appointments and…working! Yes! Working! I sold my first house in 3 years. It was like I never stopped. It was exciting and amazing. I was nervous like the first day of school as a child. So far, so good. I’ve been dabbling with other showings and dealings since. There is something inside me that still says to take it slow. I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified to go back to my lifestyle before cancer. I cannot let that happen. My inner peace is priority, at all costs. It has become abundantly clear to me how much stress free living is a key component to my survival and well being. I will continue my ease back into my beloved career one day at a time, one deal at a time. Call 608-206-LIST with any questions! LOL, shameless plug. Ha ha.

Mental turmoil seems to be my largest challenge at the time. Although I’ve been stable for so long now, the inner cancer beast has never left. I do pretty well until it’s time to go to another treatment. Every three weeks. It’s nearly the same experience each time. I’m sensing the anxiety is not really coming from the required lab results. I’ve gone a few treatments without even looking! I’m not as quick to consult DR. Google for every blip in my results. The anxiety is not coming from the treatment itself. I sit in a chair with tubes coming out of my chest. Everyone is so very kind and it is painless. I read or sleep and it’s so easy. The anxiety is from the memories of how this all started.

I met a wonderful cancer friend named Lindsay and she finally put a word to what I would call this phase of life that I am so luck to be experiencing. “Survivorship”. Survivorship! It sounds so wonderful! It is so wonderful! But it’s hard. I think anytime someone experiences trauma, surviving can be hard, just as it can be beautiful. That’s where I’m at.

I try every single day to train my brain to do what I need to do to keep it together. To NOT fall into the doom and gloom trap and let my memories haunt me. I am constantly reminding myself. It’s over! I’m over that phase of being told I was going to die! I’m still here! KEEP GOING! It takes a lot of work. Since it is my priority, it takes away from other things that I’d like to be doing. Mental health is no joke. I feel such gratitude to know when I’m slipping and I know when I need to swivel. Even if it is for just a few moments, 15 minutes, an hour, a day, a week.

I love this blog. I’ve missed it. Once again, I’ve just answered my own questions by clearing my mind!!! I keep asking myself why do my projects take me so long? Why does a day go by so quickly and I feel as though I’ve accomplished nothing? Why have I started 12 projects and have 12 more I’d like to start but they remain unfinished? Priorities. That’s why.

Life has been otherwise incredible. Never easy, but incredible. Too busy to realize the grass is greener and the flowers are more vibrant as they were in the first months of my survival, but I remember well how blissful that time was and how blissful those things are. I’m just busier now, moving on with daily life instead of just literally staring into the sky, pondering what my future held and thinking about nature for hours on end and the beauty of it all. I may not focus on that as much anymore, but I will never forget the gift of appreciation that I have for all of it!

Amen!