Over the Edge

HEALTH UPDATE: I’m doing well. I have no new symptoms. I have started another round of physical therapy as my legs get very weak and my knee hates me. I’m still looking for a therapist as the emotions of all of this can be a challenge. I have my 27th immunotherapy treatment scheduled for next week on August 18th.

Ramblings…

It’s been so long. I feel like my blog has been pushed off to the side. Today I really need this. I cannot stop crying. I’m over the edge. Mostly with grief for my friend Walter who passed away very suddenly from a heart attack. He meant everything to us. He lived next door and was our every day happiness. I’m really not sure of anyone else in this world that we all, in unison, would yell his name every time we saw him! Well, I take that back. We yell his love Lisa’s name too. Callie as well, their sweet dog and Willow’s BFF. He has been gone for a little over two weeks. It’s getting harder. And harder. Tomorrow is his celebration of life. What a celebration it will be. I’m guessing grief is like this. Celebrate one minute, crumble the next.

I’ll also be going over the edge tomorrow for Gilda’s club. Like literally rappelling off a 14 story building. I’m still not nervous. I don’t know why. I’m glad I’m not nervous. I feel excited and proud to do this. I’ve raised $3,055 and I’m so very happy it will go towards such a fine organization that helps people touched by cancer. I have an idea in my head of what it will be like. My goal is just to take it all in. I have decorated my shoes and also my socks to give me strength. The one thing that just struck me though…what if a freak accident happens? Is this really selfish of me to do this and put Willow through worry? Up until this time I was thinking it would show her strength. Not physical strength because honestly, I’m really hoping this isn’t too hard to do physically! LOL! Emotional strength! Don’t let cancer kick you in the ass! You gotta kick cancers ass! Don’t let it stop you from what you want to do!

I’ve been wanting to write Willow a very special letter and have been putting it off. A letter that is only to be opened upon my demise. Although I’m sure this event will not be the cause, it gave me enough pause to write the letter. It was difficult and beautiful all at the same time. I feel good knowing I have shared with her my feelings for her should the worse happen and would be elated if the letter can give her comfort and hope for her future without me. I know she can do it! She is a truly amazing human. I cannot put into words what she means to me.

There is more. I got a phone call yesterday from the research folks that are running the trial I am on. There is another disclosure/consent form to sign. Another person on the same drug as I am has passed away. They cannot share too much so I don’t know if it is the drug that caused this death. It leads me to question my mortality yet again. Am I killing myself taking this drug or is it saving my life? It could actually be both! I do not want to spend too much time thinking about this because I will never have the answer. All I have is the NOW. NOW!!!!!

I’m going to take this day, wipe my tears and live the CRAP OUT OF IT! Then! I’m going to wake up tomorrow and live the crap out of that day too! And so on and so forth. LIVE, LIVE, LIVE! I love this blog. It’s like the insecurities just keep building. I turn on the puter and type type type! I’m telling you! The answers to my issues are within! They come out when I express my inner feelings! It’s the best and most economical healer I’ve ever known.

As always, I’m lucky and blessed beyond belief. My heart is so full. Thank you God, thank you family and friends!