Nap Time

HEALTH UPDATE: Stable with a continuing case of itchy bumps and a new diagnosis of a broken toe. Scan #??? is stable and labs have been drawn. I’m so lucky.

Ramblings….

Hello world, it’s me. Cathy. I have been wildly busy with life. I’m sailing along in this sea of cancer with tears, fears and also many cheers. I am still in a state of shock that I am still here. It’s hard to wrap my head around it, to this day! I’m really needing to live in the now. Don’t look back. Definitely do not look too far into the future. But that’s not me. I will always be paranoid. It’s getting worse in many ways. I’ve now convinced myself that it will not be cancer than ends my life. It could be heart problems from the medication I’m on. It could be covid. It could be a car accident. I just can’t believe I can still be stable. It feels like it could last forever. Why must I always then think of another likely demise? WHY? I have a new therapist and so far I’m wildly impressed. First thing is to get past this paranoia and live in the now.

The now is wonderful. I’m so in love. Almost everything is absolutely beautiful. For the ugly things, I am still able to almost always find something good to say. I have mastered the negotiations of being at peace when everything most certainly can never be perfect. I’m good with that! I’ve accepted that the best life for me now is a life with peace based choices. But I also know that people with my disease do not usually live too many months, let alone years. As I near the two year anniversary of my diagnosis, I can’t help but think about not only how lucky I am but also….how long can this last? Really? Realistically? How long?

I read my scan results at 2:00 am this morning. I woke up and my first thought. Results! Zing. Login. Like I’ve been up for hours. How fast can I read? It’s stable. Tumor monster is stable. Just hanging out to torture me. There were a few new words in the details to Google. More of a learning experience than anything. Oh! That’s a fancy word for clot. Yeah. That clot is still ruining my chance for surgery someday. It’s ok for now. I’m stable. I tried to calm down and fall back asleep. I woke to “Mom! You’re snoring!”. Oh my.

It wasn’t until later in the morning. I couldn’t stop the tears. Wait?! I’m supposed to be elated. I have more time. I thank God above for allowing me time . Precious time. Time to realize what God means to me. Time to spend with family and friends. My negotiations with myself commence. What are you bawling about? I think I made a mistake. I think that no matter how much I tell myself it’s all ok and no matter how much I tell myself I’m sick and tired of allowing scanxiety to ruin me….it is most obviously unavoidable to suppress those feelings of fear and anxiety. It’s too big. There is too much on the line. For now anyways. Maybe I’m just extra sensitive right now.

Tom and I are moving our office things to our home offices. As I go through the token banker boxes of personal items and supplies I’m reminded of the only life I knew for so many years. The working life. It was a life that I also loved. I was so proud. I was so exhausted at times. Bathroom breaks were a luxury. I rarely ate lunch for 20 years. I loved the thrill of it all. The expectations to be available to my clients 24/7 were accepted and appreciated. My life is no longer that way. Not physically. Not mentally. So many good things have come from cancer. This one makes me sad and sentimental but it won’t take away my love for real estate. I’ll keep my license and pay my dues. I’ll always be available to chat to anyone about the bat shit crazy market. Not the same but I’ll take it.

My labs are good. I’m now in the chair at the chemo clinic waiting for my juice. The chair is broken. I like it more upright. Maybe a sign I need a nap. On another note, no matter how good it sounds, do not get the taco salad when you know you need to wear a n95 mask for the next several hours and you are a GI patient prone to burps. It’s the salad that keeps giving.

If I were to take a nap, I would want to dream about a cancer free world. A world where the lesson of living life like there is no tomorrow would be a choice “just because”. Enjoying each day to the fullest wouldn’t have to come because you suddenly realize your tomorrows are not a given. Expectations for monetary gain and materialistic things are low. What a dream it would be. This is just my dream. Everyone has different dreams and goals. I’m so happy for the people who achieve them. It’s hard to get everything you want out of life. It makes it that much sweeter when it happens.